New Start for Spring 2011 in SCC

As I graduate from UCR with a degree in history, Im going through the reality that this doesnt mean anything. I have no useful skill to provide other than researching or have knowledge of some things from the past.
So, Ive gone back to city college. And I like it. It takes me away from my bubble of UCR. Sure I have lots of friends there and made lots of them. But, it was a bubble. Everyone was my age, everyone was happy, everyone was taken care of.
When I come here, I see working people alongside students. I see the financial aid lines 200 people deep. In my microbiology class, theres old women there intent to get in and to promote themselves in life. In lab my professor goes over the safety procedures of the lab and raises concerns regarding pregnancy and AIDS, such that those who have it, may want to leave so they wont expose themselves or their child to harmful chemicals and microbes. When listening to this I remembered that we had none of this in UCR, Everyone at UCR was from rich privileged families who supported them. Pregnancy was not an issue. Nor was AIDS or other diseases. But here at SCC, this was real life. People are pregnant. People have communicable diseases, some people have health problems. I just thought this was a reality check for me.
When I walk to class I see little kids running past. Their parents a few years older than me. This is how life is. The unexpected does happen and here is the results of their actions. When waiting for my walking class in the dark, cold, and windy night, this "father" brings his kid to practice with him. The little boy was just walking, maybe a few years old. And the kid has no hat. no jacket, no shoes/boots. and he was just left out there. His father kept saying that he has no money, though he has a nice haircut and underarmor shirt on. His coaches keep telling him to put his baby inside a room or something or to get a job to get him a hat, but this guy was a jock, and he was like, yeah yeah yeah. Its just sad. What hurt me the most was seeing him throw a tennis ball at his son. Like how you throw something in the trash from far away. He threw it roughly hitting the child hard, but the child didnt cry because it was unaware of what hit him. Its pretty sad to see. But, thats life and this is the result of his decision. Also in my walking class, when waiting, I had this old asian lady come up to me to ask if I were the teacher. And I laughed. Thought it was cute lol.
Then, I had my swimming class. My teacher seemed energetic. She was a grandmother and looked relatively young still. In my class, there were old couples sitting next to me. All of the older people there were either retired or over 40. This shows me how there are old people who still want to go out and be active. Its really nice to see. Also I saw this fat white lady with her small chinese husband. Made me smile. especially when she leaned her head on him.
But its nice. I never would have seen this at UCR. The only thing close was seeing these soroity girls go out and buy a puppy, and not take care of it. So, these experiences really made me think critically into what life is all about

Teabaggers unite!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

So a teabagger curb stomped a woman who was protesting. A mob took her down and this guy curb stomped her.

This is a video of a protester who crashed a teabagger meet and greet. Here is what the police did to him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1DEbnh7nsw&feature=player_embedded

Excessive force? Naw, its all good. Hes a protester. He even got the fattest policemen to basically body slamp him to the ground. Thats harsh

and what was soooooo great was tonite, Lawrence odonnell of the last word grilled these tea bagger leaders as whether or not they should get rid of medicare and social security because according to their definitions of socialism, there are socialist entities.

So epic. Soo great to watch

My views of deleware teabagger canidate odonnell

‎"you may not be a witch, but you sure are one dumb bitch"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lk_5EkHYfUo&feature=aso 

 

wow, shed fail so hard when it comes to "are you smarter than an 8th grader" scary to believe she made it so far

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9SW0ZWzC8s 

 

Wow, this is a case where we are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you.
I would be face palming so hard right now if I were a teabagger supporter.
But wow, she doesnt know the 1st line in the 1st Amendment to the constitution, she doesnt know that there is even a separation of church and state clause (thats bee...n around since the founders of our country, and implemented by the supreme court like 60 years ago) she doesnt know the 16th, 17th, and 18th amendments are too.
Wow, and she laughs when she doesnt know the answer....must make deleware voters really confident knowing that an 8th grader is smarter than her. Just appauling. teabaggers ftw, and this is why "she may not be a witch, but she is surely, one dumb bitch"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NxvPWEefps

 

 

Life is a stage and all the men and women are merely players.

Fuck that quote.

I like how ever girl I try to get close to either takes me for granted, or just is totally oblivious to me. We hang out, we go places, we talk together a lot, and when I get into a pretty bad car accident, this girl only asks "Hows your car?"

oh thanks, Im fine too.
you are def not a keeper. its not me you are missing, its definitely apathy.

4 years of going to school, taking classes together, sharing our thoughts and dreams all of a sudden ends when I get into a car crash and you are concerned more about my car than I am.

Funny thing life is.

My record is worst than the detroit lions a few years back who was like 0- 27. I just chalk this up to my scoreboard.

Another birthday, came and gone

On my bday.

woke up at 6am, got to work at 8am.

Worked from 8-6pm

Crammed from an accounting test thats from 7-10p

come home. parents bitch how I amount to nothing. Even I do almost all the cooking, cleaning, and fixing things at home, Im not a straight A student, Im not experiencing all the hardships they went through (So you are blaming me for your hard lives that you guys choose to make? You are blaming me for all your bad decisions and think I am supposed to experience them? Should I just all of a sudden, knock up a girl, and start a family so it can motivate me to work fulltime and go to school fulltime to get good grades?) What do you want from me?

no cake, no gifts, no party at clubs, or going to vegas like everyone else my age.

Just get home, and move along like nothing has happened.

Welcome to life. I guess.

All I have are skating, my dog, and my dreams. No more, and hopefully no less.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake

since no one reads this except me, Im going to put something here that I would wanna tell my love someday haha
I got this from nick

i love you like snoop dogg loves weed.
or like lindsey lohan loves cocaine.
or like amy winhouse loves booze.
or like david duchovny loves sex.
or like tiger woods loves white women.


this is from troy i thought was pretty fresh
you can call me Peter Parker, cuz im in love with Mary Jane

I gotta catch myself and say, why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this all the time? Its like the same thing over and over again, just the names, the people the friends all change.

The problem is that Im lead to believe that following someone would be cool and we can all hang out. Or it might turn into a romantic sense after hanging out. Whatever the circumstance maybe, it end result is always the same. I get burned. I get ignored, and things always gets awkward, or we dont talk, she moves on, im quick to be forgotten.

Today, I just had to step back and think things through. Why do I end up in these situations?

iono, maybe Im over thinking, over venting, or just had a bad day. But Im just thinking through all this.

Here are the names of those I blindly follow for romantic reasons that always turn up bad.
Mel.L, Kor.H, Car K, Mar N, Sir W, Yad S, Kina C, and I think these are about it for college. Its a lot yes. But I guess Im a guy that just is gullible and naive, and desperate for someone to feel close to.

Iono, I just feel like, Im so quick to let myself fall into everyone's little games. Like today I was skating with some friends. I didnt really want to skate, but I wanted to chill with my friends. It was two guys and one girl. The guys all had long boards, but the girl was on a bike. A racing bike. And Im just going along with it. But after awhile I notice how much they hover over her. She likes the attention. They keep saying stupid shit. I just hang back and follow the oligarchy. She makes the decisions, she gets the attention and the guys are so quick to follow and do whatever she says. There might be more to this as if they are really good friends, or are competing, for her love. Iono. Maybe close friends. Just her with the bike riding faster and forcing us on longboards to follow relentlessly behind her just made me thing about if this senario is what all of my failures been about. Just blinding skating and pushing myself over a false love or a dream in which the girl plays me out to the palm of her hand leisurely riding her bike, going faster than me all the time, making myself work to death for her whims.

I felt like this to the girls above. Whether to pick them up, or to drive them around, or to walk with them, or to hang out. Im always in the back scenes being ignored by them. Just being used. And its just that I was so blind to it until the end happens. As if Im thrown away once Im done. Or until they find someone better. And iono, I just feel like I was a fool. Being used and tossed away like that. I hate that feeling. I am my own person.

However Im quiet, I do wierd things, I say bad jokes, I lie, I dont keep my promises, and I am not that smart nor have talents. The lists goes on and on. But hey, thats me.

Iono if they picked up on that, or just used me because Im always here to listen to them. Im just something they talk to. Like a voicemail they just speak to and I dont really answer back.

Ive been really sensitive on the way in which others say that I cant hold a conversation or that I am just awkward to be around. Iono what to do. To them. I just say fine. And dont talk. Let them take the initiative next time to say something instead of waiting for me to mess up and be all critical about me.

Iono, but today really opened my eyes to my friends and the people around me.

anyways, thats what Im thinking right now.

Im just thinking, silently. Observing silently, trying to make conversation, but no one listens or cares. But here I am. I have my goals set high before me. They are on mount olympus looking down on me to get it. I feel that once I get it I am amongst gods.

I see all these people now as either dead or wounded. They wont last too long in the world and Im just silently laughing or amused in the rude awakening they will get. And to see they high chair come crashing down.

I hope if I meet them again, I can be the one they look up to and I can help them up to humble themselves. and then they can see why I was the way I was now.

oh well, that sounds hella creepy and wierd. Im a senior in college, and Im just doing lonely ass stupid shit lol. oh wells.

goodnite to anyone, prob just me reading it.

on a mental note, it was mothers day last weekend and her bday yesterday. I need to make a card and get a $5o macys gift card for her. *remember*

I feel like shit. for something I felt like I was in the right, but becuase she got mad, im always wrong

If I can take it back I would. I dont know why I acted like that. I guess I felt like I was being attacked and felt like I was cornered and the only way out was to confront it and attack. However, the person I did this to was the last person I want to show this face to.
But honestly I dont know why I feel so bad. Theres nothing that I think about that is to my benefit. Why do I still feel strongly to her? And why to I kick myself 1000x for this one little thing. Im always trying to talk to her, I guess thats one thing I can stop doing. Whenever we talk, I always end up asking the questions because I run out of things. Its like a one sided convo. Then when she wants me to say something, iono what to say. Just recently we had a fight I guess where I blew up at her and from then on I guess shes scared to talk to me now. But after that, shes telling me how I always ask persistent and annoying questions. This was a wake up call to me. Fine. I'll stop. I'll stop completely. But, just reminiscing through all the years I know her and what she had done, I dont know why I put her on a pedestal when she doesnt think the same about me. At school, when we were both going to school, Id always take time out of my day to stop and chill with her. To talk to her, to ask about her day and so on. Then later, she became busy, and busy, and soon I didnt even see her. We still remained friends on facebook and aim. So I had to cut my losses and still be thankful that I was still talking to her. Then shed always ask me to drive down to visit. I would be really down, but my parents dont want me to drive like 100 miles somewhere to a girls house alone. That they dont really know and all. From that view I understand my parents, and so they had the car, and I couldnt go. If I went by train, Id travel and wait 6 hours for a 2 hour car ride and in the end we would only spend like 1-2 hours hanging out costing me like $75. So, with this reason, I wouldnt see her. However, she came up a few times. First time she came up to go to a friends bbq party and hung out with me until the party. I felt pretty happy hanging out with her, but my parents told me that she was really there for the party and she as killing time with me. That made me sorta sad. Im there just to kill time with. I try to bring that up to her and she got all angry and defensive on me. But, Im pretty sure thats what happened. I always paid for her meals and tried to entertain her with however little sacramento has to offer. But, I couldnt spend the whole day with her, my parents never let me have any time to spend with anyone else, so I had to drop her off and go. So, going back to facebook messages and aim was all we had to hang out. Until Jeff came around. I swear in the matter of 3 months and 3 dates this guy wins her heart. First date or meeting was to a private winery, the second was at a fancy dinner, and the third was to a play. I thought this fool was big pimpin but in reality he was just a personal assistant to a director. Thats cool, he was making money and all, but to flaunt so much that you dont have to make a good impression for someone to love you, I think was deceiving. And the fact that each time they went to all these places and she thought they were hanging out, but really, he felt they were dates. And...she went along with it. I dont know what was going on in her mind. But, I felt horrible. I felt like she was the one that got away. I felt the anguish in my heart. I felt like I was just about to tell her my feelings where this casanova guy comes in and swoops her away like nothing. What took me like 2 years to know her takes him 2 days. All my letters, my feelings, my time all went to waste I felt. He was everything I was not. He lived closer to her. Had more extra money, had more time to be around her, had more parties, had a great group of close long time friends, a sociable guy, had connections to many events, always was in the loop of film events and volunteer events. He took her out to do and see more things. When I list this all down, I know I dont even have anything to match up or compare to him. He gave her all his needs, and I dont want to think about the other way around. It hurts me too much. So when they were going out I was left alone. She was always going somewhere having fun. I was still here jealous of him, doing nothing fun and exciting with my life. I didnt talk to her until recently actually. The recently part was when he told her to move in santa monica to live with him. Well, to share a house that he is house sitting for. Its sorta deceiving the first part. She told me that they got a house together and they were moving in. But it was more like roommate bf gf status. Iono. It was really hard for her to move down there away with everyone. She tried her best to go to school, learn how to cook, learn how to travel somewhere there and make friends. I had no car at the time to see her. Little by little I could tell that she was showing some signs of stress. He was always out working and she was left alone at home doing nothing. She felt lonely in the library and what I would feel is abandoned sort of. Like how a new puppy must feel like when their owners leave for work and come home at night. Soon it came to an ultimatum between em to choose. Whether to have Melanie or his career. He chose his career. After that she was heart broken like no other she told her. Her relationship with him was so close and at a different level, she thought about marriage with him. To me though, he looked like a play boy but thats just me. After a few weeks, she started talking to me again. but I would always be the one trying to make conversation. Back to the same old grind. I tried to ask her to open up to me about how she feels inside and all. That was ok for a bit. She felt like she could trust me a little. However in time, she hung out with her friends back home more. So, again, I was left alone. Just there to kill time before going to sleep. Thats all I am I guess to her. then later I get a phone call a few weeks ago asking if she could chill over here and my place to spend the nite and visit. I was like sure. She was going to vegas and come by riverside to hang out. I was pretty happy. I did all my laundry, I vacuumed everything. I cleaned my room just for her. She didnt tell me when she was coming in or where until the day before. So that was a little frustrating for me. I like to have something planned out first rather be like, Im here! and stuff. So it was ok. We talked it was fun. Took her and her sister out to lunch and paid for it. Took them to the arcade and had fun. We all went to que and took pictures. That day was fun. they were all super tired and fell asleep like around 6. I talked to her but it was mostly about an update on her heart, how she is feeling inside and if there is anyone shes looking into. Theres a guy she told me, but her break up with jeff was pretty nasty and tough for her. but shes looking at other guys and I guess thats good. She barely asks about me. I dont really know what to say. Im not the type of person that would talk only about myself. Im more interested in other people that about me. I try to say something before she eventually falls asleep. I then get ready and prepare for school tomorrow. I wake up early the next day and so do they. She is trying to see the aphio frat at our school and she immediately gets in the know with everyone. She is charming, cute, outgoing, and cool to hang around. Her sister too. Her sister is really cute like her. Its for these attributes that I got attracted to her. But soon like every single guy out there that day came up to her and talked to her. And again, I felt ignored and left to the side. She then wanted to go to Santa Monica to the beach. I never drove there before and it was the first time, so I was sorta scared. She then lastly wanted me to take them to a friends place in Irvine to spend the night. I thought she was coming back with me, but I dont know what happened where she wanted to spend time with them. So I drive them to santa monica, everyone is always sleeping. No one talks to me. I just drive. I felt like a chauffeur and I joked around saying to her that thats how I am in their eyes, but she got all angry at me. and went back to sleep. We go to santa monica, but its super late because they wanted to leave super late. We end up eating at a ramen place and yogurt. She still asks about jeff some more and really wanted to see him but doesnt know where he is. I then sorta felt disgusted in the way in which I felt used. This whole this was a ploy to get back with a guy that broke her heart and left her crying for weeks. I didnt understand this, the same reason why I feel so strongly to her when nothing good happens to me. I then drive them to irvine very late at nite. I was super tired also. It was my first time driving to Irvine also. And again they fell asleep and I was to myself and my own thoughts. I dropped them off to Irvine and they just say bye. I didnt spend any time more with them or anything. Just like a dad dropping his son off at school. Very brief. Thats how the drop off was. I sorta felt like, wow, I do all this to you guys, and this is all you show to appreciate it? Do you think this was all expected or something? How about how I feel or how I spent money on gas and all. To her defense she did try to pay for my gas, but I dont accept it, cuz I feel like shes too good of a friend to let her pay. especially shes a girl. But I guess thinking that is my flaw. Anyways, I get back to riverside, I have a test the next day. She said that she wants to come to riverside one last nite and then go back to fly from LAX. I dont know why she didnt leave from ontario airport, but at first I told her I was down to do it. But, she felt that it was too much driving, but I still pushed it. I was waiting for final confirmation when she left a message at 3am when Im alseep to say she had been partying with her friend in riverside, not irvine and he is driving them to LAX. I felt like all this time she was in irvine and needed me to pick her up and all, though all this time, she was with someone else and didnt tell me until the last minute. I just felt used and sad. All this time I go out of my way to make them happy and do things and they just leave me in an instant for someone else and not tell me. As if Im not worth the effort to call. And also, I like how they didnt even invite me to the party that they were at too. But to them I feel like I had no reason to be upset or feel the way I do. To them, they did nothing wrong.
This just makes me feel even more like shit. All her birthdays that I bought little gifts for her I thought was sentimental meant nothing to her. I bought and mailed her presents to her. I had wrote all the cards and tried to be creative to her. I bought her knickknacks one time and shoes with candy the next time solely because she asked. I wasnt going to give her anything because she never did anything to me, but I felt this was a way to strengthen our friendship, so I did.
So all this has been what I have been feeling about her. And how I felt like I was becoming very torn about how I pictured her and how Im being treated by her. So then yesterday we were talking like normal when she asks me about this random person I guess is a friend to me on facebook. Shes like, who is this? Im like ? who? and she fires back, who who who? I already told you?!! -__-, like as if Im slow or something? Then I try to poke fun at the name and write it as something else, but she fires back like, I already wrote the name. how do you not know her? Shes your friend? who is she? who is she? At this point I felt like shes coming on to me way to fast. I tell her to calm down and chill out. I dont think I know her. I soon check out this girl shes asking about and I see that she is her friend too. So then I confront her like, wtf why are you asking me like Im supposed to know who she is? You are her friend too! why dont you dont even know her and you think that I am supposed to know her? Of course throughout this time, shes saying wtf to me, when she said, wtf, shes your friend, why dont you know her? and also when she was like omfg how do you not know her type of thing. but then anyways she was like, I just added her so I dont know who she is? And I was like, well I dont know who she is? Why you think Im supposed to know? Is this urgent? Why are you fronting me like Im supposed to know her....And thats when shes like Woow, seriously? wow, why are you being like this to me? Why are you swearing at me? Im just asking you a question, and you blow up at me. wow, I didnt know youd react like this. you ask me all these questions all the time and I never act like this and this one time I ask you, you blow up and swear at me. Wow, you know how you ask like 20 million questions to me and sometimes they are persistent and annoying, well..... and she just went on, on how she wont ask me nothing no more and how she will think about what she would say to me. I told her that I was sorry to blowing up and I shouldntve done it, especially to her. And asked her to forgive me. And that ALLL that I done for her dont jusdge me by this one petty incident. But she was like, I dont know anymore, wow I couldnt believe you and everything. She was like Fuck it, forget it. Just those two words alone I hate. I hate being blown off my someone who doesnt even want to listen to me anymore and just closes off. I had experienced that before with one of my teachers and I felt horrible because I felt like I did nothing wrong and yet, she makes me feel like I just committed a crime. So, whenever someone says fuck it, forget it, im done, I just feel so angry that Im being described as being the bad guy when Im just acting like myself and the other person is the angel. She said, all I wanted to ask is if you knew her and you blew up. But I wanted and did say that I felt like I was being pushed into a corner and expected to know someone and being assaulted by saying that I SHOULD know them when I dont? that to me felt threatening. But she ignored me when i said that. She just kept on saying how she didnt understand why I said the things I said. oh well. I feel like an asshole now and I feel like shit. I feel like I must repent for something that I didnt do? I knew I had a justified right, but because its her I feel like I was wrong for whatever reason. I dont know anymore. I get treated like leftovers and Im held to an unattainable standard. Im just mad at myself, disappointed, and want to be left alone again. :/

Fuck the police, the ucpd, the moreno valley superior court system, the entire socal judicary system because it is all bullshit and a joke

FUCK THE POLICE!!!! Especially UCPD!!! fucking douchebags who wield their power without and purpose of morals. They are there to maintain corrupt and unjust quotas for a broke ass county. Just because UCPD are composed of all the asshole jocks from highschool that gone no where in life, doesnt mean you have to be the asshole of the campus by putting misery on everyone. Fuck, citing crimes that you never saw, but assumed, making up aligations and citing people knowing that if they were to fight it, it would be a long and arduous process, the fucking police set you up for failure. Fuck your representation of high ethical and moral standings in society, you guys are just a bunch of douche bags with nothing to do! you are worst that the students you "protect"! Not only do you leave unsolved cases pile up, shuffle the blame to other entities, allow rape, assaults, and murders to happen, you make more arrests over petty shit that you dont see half the time. You are a bunch of idiots that are gitty to break every since law out there because you got a fucking badge and gun. This is why I never the police. This is why I feel they are unjust and unethical. This is why I think UCPD is a total joke and full of bull shit. Getting a ticket was just the confirming reason to hate everything there is about law enforcement. They dont do shit and they cite people for things that couldnt be helped. I can fight my case, but it will be long and arudous and it will bring on unwanted attention. All this by the fucking police. This is not the first time I was wrongfully held. The first time was when I was stopped for "public intoxication" when I was waiting for friends to pick me up from a party. I got arrested when I started asking questions as of why they are stopping me, what grounds did they have to charge me, what are their names, and badge numbers. All this was under the miranda rights in the Bill of Rights. point of all this, through all my encounters with the police, I concluded that I have been victimized for total bullshit and there is nothing to be done about the whole thing. The police is a joke and the UCPD is a bunch of assholes. We would be better if the actual police were to work on campus. Fuck this UCPD nonsense and fuck the judiciary system in SOCAL. This whole thing is a corrupt and decrepit system that is set up for failure.

the sounds after a rain during the nite.

all is quiet. all is peace. the rain stops. there is silence. the smell of freshness cleans the brisk evening air once again. a new day emerges, i can smell it.

Only now at the end do I wish I could have done in the beging

Well into my 4th year here, do I find myself making to do lists, completing them, doing presentations, doing papers, doing readings, and studying extra hard for classes. Now Im more focused, mature in life, and have a goal set. Ive noticed that all my weekends now are being spent at my desk doing hw diligently and just reading on my bed. Ive been doing presentations for class as well as discover nursing club meeting. The other day I was giving advice to the new freshmen and sophomores interested in nursing. I told them to keep focus. Keep their drive. Take time to learn and expand their horizons. I feel like Im passing the torch in a way. Passing it down and telling the young generation not to do the same mistakes I have. As I was listening to my friend explain the interview questions when she was applying for the nursing schools, Ive reminisced all the experiences I had while working. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Seeing great nurses and doctors whom I try to aspire to, the horrible med students and seeing all of the disformed soldiers and people taking out of a tube in their throats, as well as all the politics and bullshit and kiss ass required just to remain afloat. The more I think of all my experiences, the older I feel I am. And to tell these youngins all that I had done made me believe more in myself as made me hope that I can do something great. Everything I do in life is for a purpose. Every challenge I face is to prepare me out in the real world. This is why when I face difficulties I face them with understanding. When faced with a simple challenge I spend more time in understanding the basics. I keep telling myself that I can achieve what I want to do. I need to put in the work for it. Even if no one believes in me. Not even my parents, I believe in myself. I can do it. I can talk to the counsellors at a jc to put me into their classes. I will pass those classes, I will apply to nursing school. I will get into nursing school. And I may or may not join the services. But I will have a career. I watched a movie about this old warrior who became a doctor and to live a life of peace without war. This is a life I want to live. Live a life free from bullshit and free from greed and corruption. I want to live free. No one dragging me down. I want to go where I want to go. See what I want to see. I can do this myself. I want to be there and help those who need it. All these things I think about, I hope for, I dream and see myself doing. These are somethings in which I can do so now. However, I wished I had done this when I started. Yet it is without going through so many mistakes do I now begin to understand all that I have done and to cherish next time all the opportunities that have been granted for me.

nollie factor

btw, ive been working on nollies now

more practice needed

Remember the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, to be the day in which WWI ended. And to pay tribute to all the veterans in past, present, a

To the men who fought in world war 1, the heart aches, the pains, the cruelty, the loss of limbs, lives, and innocence.

Where men still fought with their bare hands and scourged for food.

The last vestige of chivalry among the old world. Where ancient and old strategy was obsolete with modern warefare.

Where lossing 100, 000 men was common. Where losing millions were fathomable

where everything was old fashioned

this is their day to remember.

And to thank and appreciate all who lost their lives.

Now, that you think of it, they wouldnt be too much older than I going off to war and die.

Man, today was a good day lol.

On top of doing nose manuals and kickflips and coping grinds by the belltower, I had a great 2 nites.

I had a good time meeting new people. New friends. Drinking with my homies and dancing with the girls.

Then saturday I went to my big sis's place and spent halloween there. Dressed up. I would work the door bell giving away candy. I was like "What do you want and what are you supposed to me" in a voice like batman lol.

but that was fun. cute seeing all those kids :] i gave them the best candies and playdough. so i thought i was one of the awesome houses that gives out cool stuff lol

then i was taking 8 shots with my brother in law, he made me white russians and was heavy with the kahlua and vodka haha. and then i had ship wrecks and on top of that, 7 beers.
oh man.

we had old school 80s music on since everyone was like 28 lol. we had a fire pit in the back and beer pong table.

Now I know some physic grad teachers working at RCC and some airtower controlers

so that was fun.

i woke up this morning with playdough in my pockets, a shot glass next to me, string, a tattoo (washable) on my arm, fone, keys, wallet, in place, and woke up to a dog licking my face.

Emotion status. I try so hard, but get so far, and in the end, it doesnt even matter.

Some of what is happening I can only blame myself for it. Lets make this clear.

So this quarter started very unusual for me. First off, I have made some intimate relations with certain people that I actually had no initial intention on starting.
Both of which would have gone no where and would have strictly been physical, unemotional, and secret.

I do not want to feel confinded and used.

So I separated myself from that. And that was that.

Then I have been very laxed on my readings and hw and classes. I have such an interest in what I am taking, but all of the novels that I professors whore out to us is very impossible to read. Not to mention one of my professors wants us to religiously read HIS own book that he translated.

And I just had my chinese test, and I think I got the worst in the class. I hate myself now. I was totally blindsided and I had been studying that for 2 days working very hard only to let myself fall the lowest in the class. I try so hard and get so far, but in the end it doesnt even matter.

Second. I met this amazing girl. We were introduced by a mutual friend. But the more we hung out the more time we spent together the closer we get. However the closer I get to her, the more she thinks of me as her brother and she is bi curious now. She has to be the only mature girl in every sense of the word here. And thats what facinates me and draws me to her. However, she is a 2nd year and Im 4th, she still has her tendencies that we have all went through. She has met a guy at a party, he took her home and starting making out and now they are seeing each other. Im just kinda jealous of how he can get someone as good as her so easily and I do all I can to do things for her and I get shit. But most of all, I dont know if he truely know her to actually fathom how lucky he is with someone like her. Ive been saving myself up for someone like her. I take her out everywhere, get lost of random drives, take her to dinners, and even went gay clubbing with her. But that is later on, and I also help her clean, cook, and make her sandwiches that she loves. Anyways, I want to have an aulturistic ideal of sacrificing my own desires and goals for her. The more I hang out with her, the more supportive I am with her and everything she does. I lose my sense of self in concerning myself with her. Iono, I blame myself for it.
On her part, she talks to me about everything, I listen. She cooks for me sometimes, and I help her with that and all, but most of the time we just hang out and talk. She is the first girl to be so open to me and caring and considerate and that among her personality and how open she is draws me to her.

But yeah, I still need to do my laundry and get back to somewhat of my old life. I need to clean up my place and stop spending money foolishly. It will stop this week. Period. I severe the lines.

So now, we went to a gay club today. Its girls nite. So Im like, ok thats cool, Ill be surrounded by pussy and shit. Have a good time. When I get there, hella gay guys are walking around, Im like, ok, its normal, this is a gay club. I sit down and be there with them. I knew they were having fun but I just dont belong. The entire nite, I felt like I dont belong. I dont even belong in straight clubs. So then my friend and her friend met up with other friends. So we had a big group. But they were total bitches that I wanted to separate myself from. I was kinda like the 3rd wheel loner. We soon went to the dance floor, mind you I never had anything hard to drink to losen me up of numb my state of mind. So we were dancing and no one danced with me. Me being straight, Im not looking for any gay action. I want some cute girls. But anyways I saw one of my friends and that was nice and I look over and the girl that I have been madly in love with on a emotional and intellectual scale is hardcore kissing her friend. So, Im taken back surprised, but I have to be supportive of her. I would be a dick if I were to walk out and shit. Im better than that, so I rally and support her. Even though inside Im screaming and visualize my insides falling out. My heart has been ripped out so many times, and this one was like no other. Even though she still seeing this guy that she met at the party and now this, I couldnt bear it. But I did. I endured. I felt anguish and pain. I felt yelling silence. I had absolutely no fun at the gay club. Honestly, next time I go I will have to be hammered. But in the end, I was still supportive of her, even though I feel like Im going through the motions and mentally Im not here.

So with this little quick update, this is whats been going on in my life and how I feel.

I feel like a veteran returning from battle and having a hard time readjusting to society.

No one I know understands the cruel reality that lies in front of us, I try to open up to people, but in turn get mowed down and chewed out.

Today I really felt my heart abused, I was totally ignored from the girl who asked me to come with her for support, and left for dead out in the streets by sorta feeling like a homeless with no home or person to walk back to and confide and be at peace with.

I just feel a terrible pain in my heart now and Im fighting back tears. My throat is choked up and I feel very sad and emotional right now.

But I got to bottle it up and endure. With this new found pain I feel that I am separating myself further from society and confirming that I will forever be a bachelor no matter what I do or how much I offer myself to people. I will always be that stupid fucking nice guy that will always be taken advantaged and used.

Things in my head that I cant take away.

One of the first things I remember is just how fucked up politics is. If you dont kiss ass or bribe anyone or are the son or daughter of someone in where ever you work, things are going to be difficult.
If you are a hard worker, be prepared to be over worked, used, and taken advantage of. no matter your intelligence or hard work and determination, you are there soley to make your supervisor look good to his superiors.

safety and concern is not the top priority, just as long as the job gets done and you get paid.

I remember climbing up 40 ft up on the top shelves to get more flags for these national guard troops. Iono. National guard career people dont appeal to me as much as veterans who serve out on national guard. I respect them more. But I just would count how many flags were in each box and though to myself of how many people died. I laid each box like i was laying a flag on each soldiers grave. It hurt me to know that I was getting preparations to bury someone. Just the thought of knowing that someone is dead, even if I dont know them, it hurts me personally.

The other thing that hurts me is how there is a sense of superiority over different people. Of how, like, just because you are not working in an office or have a business card, you are not important.

I remember the sheer number of amputees. How many old people looks like empty shells. Old vets of baseless and corrupt wars sitting limp in their wheelchairs.

To be working with veterans of vietnam and seeing them to be treated like shit. I worked with someone from infantry and huey calvary division in vietnam, a vietnam airbourne paratrooper, a vietnam sniper, two navy vets, and a veteran from the Iraqi war.
We are all in the PLATOON of642. We are the forgotten living, always getting the shit end of the stick by everyone and we still keep humping and getting it done. Theyve taught me so much and made me mature that I cant that them enough for opening themselves up to me in such a small amount of time.

By knowing all of them, Milton Brown, Leroy Crabtree, Sam (no green eggs and ham) Kelly, Al (Good AL) Tingle, Ryan underwood, and Ryan huston. Then there are the management faggots, Al Limon, uses me to talk to his nephew of how i got this job, Craig Coy, fucking slacker in the mail room. Boost up his job like its so important and yet I learned how to do it and made it more efficient in 2 weeks time. And fucking Gil Aquino. Forces me to do dangerous shit, dangerous safety hazards, making me to do other shit on my last day of work and talk as if im his property, and will one day teach me to drive a forklift. fuck that shit. I have higher aspirations in life. Dont want to be a 40 year old chain smoker commuting 50 miles everyday to be a supervisor of a small warehouse and is the bitch to everyone in the hospital.

I remember running around in the fucking hot heat to cover a fucking slackers job. A new guy, thrown in the middle of complete shit and expected to survive.

I remember yelling at other PR people. Especially those who were responsible for my well being.

I remember black labeling myself when I called out HR on my basic rights that were not given to me because they were fucking lazy.

I remember the fucking VA system is ran by trashy ass slutty women who probably sucked dick and slept with horny old men to get into the positions they are in now.

I remember new medical student doctors looking like lost children or puppies in the hospital. Their little community office was like an extended classroom where they dont even do anything.

Their rounds is a chance for them to play doctor but have no emotional connection with the patients.

There was a code blue, meaning someone is dying in one of the wings. I was making my rounds in the hospital and i was at the entrance where these doctors would be coming out. Anyways, they all came running out like 5 minutes later. Then they were coming together talking about what they were up to, then someone came running, everyone started to run. It looked like they were scared sheep and when they see one running, they all run even though they all may not know why. As they were running I would hear, "oh shit I forgot ____.....oh well, I dont need it" or its ok. or something of that nature. I couldnt believe it. Are these the new doctors that we rely on so far? Are these these demi gods walking on earth that we all revere. Just watching them running around in circles just made me feel so angry and mad and fustrated at them. I felt the same before and overwhelmed, but when there are peoples lives in question, there is no room for them to fuck up. If this was a war where quick life or death situations matter, they would all die. I feel like they are book smart but when it came to the action of things, they will all mess up. I wanted to just go to them and shake them to wake them up and remind them of the severity of the entire situation is. That is why I somewhat have animosity between civilians and military doctors.

Have you lost that loving feeling? Not me! I found it!

I think now I want to pursue a surgical nursing path in my career. Mr. Milton opened the door for me in allowing me to think about it. Then I was talking to a few people at work and viola I am scheduled to be observing an orthopedic surgeon on thursday. Im supper psyched about it and cant wait. I feel this is my way to give back and learn. I just love this new feeling and excitement of finally being able to know your own sense of self. Things are finally clicking. the birds with feathers flock together, but the eagle soars alone. I am that eagle. I can and will do it! Ahhh! cant wait! So I spent the nite watching some real life surgeries by medical schools. Its like watching an episode that you should look away but cant! Ahh I love this feeling!

btw, patrick swayse died today after losing a battle with pancreatic cancer of 20 years. and that yale student got stuffed in the lab wall. she was from placerville.

and leroy and them wanted me to watch, an officer and a gentlemen...sometime maybe lol.

My new cruiser deck in memory of Tom

zig zagger 8.6 x 32
Indy 149 trucks
58mm krooked wheels

bone swiss bearings

Goodbye Tom, I'll always cherish your memory and the times we spent together. May you rest in peace

Tom you were one of my favorite people at the Nine16 Skate shop. I was there for your opening and am your loyal customer and skater. From the times we hung out, smoked a j and drank you began to be a very cool friend. As we started to skate more together, just mob down streets and kickbacks, I felt really happy. You would always give me discounts on the stuff I would buy. I remember I bought the same matix pants that you were wearing and also that chocolate hat just the past week. Your death on monday really took me by surprise, because just the past friday we were hanging out, playing skate, and you were showing me about that power band thing. I cant bring myself to see that accident where you were hit. I sobbed when I saw your blood stains on the road with chalk circled around it. I wish I was there to push you aside from that car. I just miss you man. And when I see that picture of you holding your two girls, it kills me inside. I lost 3 close friends already to car accidents and you are the 4th. I will try my best to take off work to attend your funeral on monday. If not, my most sincerest regrets and apologies. I have been praying for you the past week and for your family. And I try to stop by where you were hit and light the candles out there. We are all saying that we should turn that spot into a skate spot lol, but iono how that would go. Bobby seems to be taking it ok now, but it hit him hard. Man, from knowing you since 12 years old I cant imagine how he must feel. But it seems like he is doing better. I think his daughter Tiara is helping him a lot. I just bought a Zig zaggar deck the other day and it would be in your honor. I will always remember you with this board. So, thanks for all the memories, I will still try to check in on everyone and I hope that you will be fine. Goodbye Tom, we will meet again. But not yet, not yet.

Just Fuck It

Fuck work. I work too hard to do this shit. From 8am I am busting my ass. I jump into shit. I jump into helping out with deliveries, tagging shipments and packages. I help my other co workers with their deliveries. I run all around the hospital. Then I do the inside run for the mail. I do it twice. Once at 9:30 and another at 1:30. Then I have to separate the mail and process everything in between. I am so fucking busy during the day that I barely sit down and eat lunch. Everyone is expecting me a summer hire to do a full time employee's job. That means they expect me to know every name, every place, every rate, and make everyone feel special all at the same time. I usually have another person or persons helping me. But more often than not, Im here by myself, left with all the pieces hanging. Why? Some retiree is gonna take his leave. im ok with that. Then I have this lil punk ass fucking slacker who has surgery, but still comes down to work. does nothing here, gets paid, tells everyone that he is working when he is not and get about his business. He doenst even help me. He makes a mess and walks away. He moves one pile of shit to another. what the fuck it up with that? He takes it so fucking easy. Why? Cuz he ass licks and gets fucked by management who is run by perverted old men who just want their faces on the fucking local news. They are so wrapped up in their egos its shamefull. Whenever we bring up their incompetence actions and their wasteful spending, they fire everyone. When they do something wrong, they are quick to blame the little grunts. they are kaniving and punk ass bitches. I get so fustrated and stressed out that I want to kill someone. tear them apart. On top of everything else, I get yelled at by other departments cuz they want their shit out early. FUCK THEM. I get paid too little and worked so hard to deserve this shit. So I speak my mind. I hate the system at this place so much that I want to burn it all and kill all those bitches in management. Im not getting 10 pipe bombs, a chainsaw, or a machete, but I just hope someday they can realize how bad and hurtful they were and try to repent or change the ways of how they do things. I want to be there when they fuck up badly and they are all crying. Whats worst is that all who suffer the most. Are the patients. Those whom we are here to help and serve. They are what keep me going.