Emotion status. I try so hard, but get so far, and in the end, it doesnt even matter.

Some of what is happening I can only blame myself for it. Lets make this clear.

So this quarter started very unusual for me. First off, I have made some intimate relations with certain people that I actually had no initial intention on starting.
Both of which would have gone no where and would have strictly been physical, unemotional, and secret.

I do not want to feel confinded and used.

So I separated myself from that. And that was that.

Then I have been very laxed on my readings and hw and classes. I have such an interest in what I am taking, but all of the novels that I professors whore out to us is very impossible to read. Not to mention one of my professors wants us to religiously read HIS own book that he translated.

And I just had my chinese test, and I think I got the worst in the class. I hate myself now. I was totally blindsided and I had been studying that for 2 days working very hard only to let myself fall the lowest in the class. I try so hard and get so far, but in the end it doesnt even matter.

Second. I met this amazing girl. We were introduced by a mutual friend. But the more we hung out the more time we spent together the closer we get. However the closer I get to her, the more she thinks of me as her brother and she is bi curious now. She has to be the only mature girl in every sense of the word here. And thats what facinates me and draws me to her. However, she is a 2nd year and Im 4th, she still has her tendencies that we have all went through. She has met a guy at a party, he took her home and starting making out and now they are seeing each other. Im just kinda jealous of how he can get someone as good as her so easily and I do all I can to do things for her and I get shit. But most of all, I dont know if he truely know her to actually fathom how lucky he is with someone like her. Ive been saving myself up for someone like her. I take her out everywhere, get lost of random drives, take her to dinners, and even went gay clubbing with her. But that is later on, and I also help her clean, cook, and make her sandwiches that she loves. Anyways, I want to have an aulturistic ideal of sacrificing my own desires and goals for her. The more I hang out with her, the more supportive I am with her and everything she does. I lose my sense of self in concerning myself with her. Iono, I blame myself for it.
On her part, she talks to me about everything, I listen. She cooks for me sometimes, and I help her with that and all, but most of the time we just hang out and talk. She is the first girl to be so open to me and caring and considerate and that among her personality and how open she is draws me to her.

But yeah, I still need to do my laundry and get back to somewhat of my old life. I need to clean up my place and stop spending money foolishly. It will stop this week. Period. I severe the lines.

So now, we went to a gay club today. Its girls nite. So Im like, ok thats cool, Ill be surrounded by pussy and shit. Have a good time. When I get there, hella gay guys are walking around, Im like, ok, its normal, this is a gay club. I sit down and be there with them. I knew they were having fun but I just dont belong. The entire nite, I felt like I dont belong. I dont even belong in straight clubs. So then my friend and her friend met up with other friends. So we had a big group. But they were total bitches that I wanted to separate myself from. I was kinda like the 3rd wheel loner. We soon went to the dance floor, mind you I never had anything hard to drink to losen me up of numb my state of mind. So we were dancing and no one danced with me. Me being straight, Im not looking for any gay action. I want some cute girls. But anyways I saw one of my friends and that was nice and I look over and the girl that I have been madly in love with on a emotional and intellectual scale is hardcore kissing her friend. So, Im taken back surprised, but I have to be supportive of her. I would be a dick if I were to walk out and shit. Im better than that, so I rally and support her. Even though inside Im screaming and visualize my insides falling out. My heart has been ripped out so many times, and this one was like no other. Even though she still seeing this guy that she met at the party and now this, I couldnt bear it. But I did. I endured. I felt anguish and pain. I felt yelling silence. I had absolutely no fun at the gay club. Honestly, next time I go I will have to be hammered. But in the end, I was still supportive of her, even though I feel like Im going through the motions and mentally Im not here.

So with this little quick update, this is whats been going on in my life and how I feel.

I feel like a veteran returning from battle and having a hard time readjusting to society.

No one I know understands the cruel reality that lies in front of us, I try to open up to people, but in turn get mowed down and chewed out.

Today I really felt my heart abused, I was totally ignored from the girl who asked me to come with her for support, and left for dead out in the streets by sorta feeling like a homeless with no home or person to walk back to and confide and be at peace with.

I just feel a terrible pain in my heart now and Im fighting back tears. My throat is choked up and I feel very sad and emotional right now.

But I got to bottle it up and endure. With this new found pain I feel that I am separating myself further from society and confirming that I will forever be a bachelor no matter what I do or how much I offer myself to people. I will always be that stupid fucking nice guy that will always be taken advantaged and used.