I feel like shit. for something I felt like I was in the right, but becuase she got mad, im always wrong

If I can take it back I would. I dont know why I acted like that. I guess I felt like I was being attacked and felt like I was cornered and the only way out was to confront it and attack. However, the person I did this to was the last person I want to show this face to.
But honestly I dont know why I feel so bad. Theres nothing that I think about that is to my benefit. Why do I still feel strongly to her? And why to I kick myself 1000x for this one little thing. Im always trying to talk to her, I guess thats one thing I can stop doing. Whenever we talk, I always end up asking the questions because I run out of things. Its like a one sided convo. Then when she wants me to say something, iono what to say. Just recently we had a fight I guess where I blew up at her and from then on I guess shes scared to talk to me now. But after that, shes telling me how I always ask persistent and annoying questions. This was a wake up call to me. Fine. I'll stop. I'll stop completely. But, just reminiscing through all the years I know her and what she had done, I dont know why I put her on a pedestal when she doesnt think the same about me. At school, when we were both going to school, Id always take time out of my day to stop and chill with her. To talk to her, to ask about her day and so on. Then later, she became busy, and busy, and soon I didnt even see her. We still remained friends on facebook and aim. So I had to cut my losses and still be thankful that I was still talking to her. Then shed always ask me to drive down to visit. I would be really down, but my parents dont want me to drive like 100 miles somewhere to a girls house alone. That they dont really know and all. From that view I understand my parents, and so they had the car, and I couldnt go. If I went by train, Id travel and wait 6 hours for a 2 hour car ride and in the end we would only spend like 1-2 hours hanging out costing me like $75. So, with this reason, I wouldnt see her. However, she came up a few times. First time she came up to go to a friends bbq party and hung out with me until the party. I felt pretty happy hanging out with her, but my parents told me that she was really there for the party and she as killing time with me. That made me sorta sad. Im there just to kill time with. I try to bring that up to her and she got all angry and defensive on me. But, Im pretty sure thats what happened. I always paid for her meals and tried to entertain her with however little sacramento has to offer. But, I couldnt spend the whole day with her, my parents never let me have any time to spend with anyone else, so I had to drop her off and go. So, going back to facebook messages and aim was all we had to hang out. Until Jeff came around. I swear in the matter of 3 months and 3 dates this guy wins her heart. First date or meeting was to a private winery, the second was at a fancy dinner, and the third was to a play. I thought this fool was big pimpin but in reality he was just a personal assistant to a director. Thats cool, he was making money and all, but to flaunt so much that you dont have to make a good impression for someone to love you, I think was deceiving. And the fact that each time they went to all these places and she thought they were hanging out, but really, he felt they were dates. And...she went along with it. I dont know what was going on in her mind. But, I felt horrible. I felt like she was the one that got away. I felt the anguish in my heart. I felt like I was just about to tell her my feelings where this casanova guy comes in and swoops her away like nothing. What took me like 2 years to know her takes him 2 days. All my letters, my feelings, my time all went to waste I felt. He was everything I was not. He lived closer to her. Had more extra money, had more time to be around her, had more parties, had a great group of close long time friends, a sociable guy, had connections to many events, always was in the loop of film events and volunteer events. He took her out to do and see more things. When I list this all down, I know I dont even have anything to match up or compare to him. He gave her all his needs, and I dont want to think about the other way around. It hurts me too much. So when they were going out I was left alone. She was always going somewhere having fun. I was still here jealous of him, doing nothing fun and exciting with my life. I didnt talk to her until recently actually. The recently part was when he told her to move in santa monica to live with him. Well, to share a house that he is house sitting for. Its sorta deceiving the first part. She told me that they got a house together and they were moving in. But it was more like roommate bf gf status. Iono. It was really hard for her to move down there away with everyone. She tried her best to go to school, learn how to cook, learn how to travel somewhere there and make friends. I had no car at the time to see her. Little by little I could tell that she was showing some signs of stress. He was always out working and she was left alone at home doing nothing. She felt lonely in the library and what I would feel is abandoned sort of. Like how a new puppy must feel like when their owners leave for work and come home at night. Soon it came to an ultimatum between em to choose. Whether to have Melanie or his career. He chose his career. After that she was heart broken like no other she told her. Her relationship with him was so close and at a different level, she thought about marriage with him. To me though, he looked like a play boy but thats just me. After a few weeks, she started talking to me again. but I would always be the one trying to make conversation. Back to the same old grind. I tried to ask her to open up to me about how she feels inside and all. That was ok for a bit. She felt like she could trust me a little. However in time, she hung out with her friends back home more. So, again, I was left alone. Just there to kill time before going to sleep. Thats all I am I guess to her. then later I get a phone call a few weeks ago asking if she could chill over here and my place to spend the nite and visit. I was like sure. She was going to vegas and come by riverside to hang out. I was pretty happy. I did all my laundry, I vacuumed everything. I cleaned my room just for her. She didnt tell me when she was coming in or where until the day before. So that was a little frustrating for me. I like to have something planned out first rather be like, Im here! and stuff. So it was ok. We talked it was fun. Took her and her sister out to lunch and paid for it. Took them to the arcade and had fun. We all went to que and took pictures. That day was fun. they were all super tired and fell asleep like around 6. I talked to her but it was mostly about an update on her heart, how she is feeling inside and if there is anyone shes looking into. Theres a guy she told me, but her break up with jeff was pretty nasty and tough for her. but shes looking at other guys and I guess thats good. She barely asks about me. I dont really know what to say. Im not the type of person that would talk only about myself. Im more interested in other people that about me. I try to say something before she eventually falls asleep. I then get ready and prepare for school tomorrow. I wake up early the next day and so do they. She is trying to see the aphio frat at our school and she immediately gets in the know with everyone. She is charming, cute, outgoing, and cool to hang around. Her sister too. Her sister is really cute like her. Its for these attributes that I got attracted to her. But soon like every single guy out there that day came up to her and talked to her. And again, I felt ignored and left to the side. She then wanted to go to Santa Monica to the beach. I never drove there before and it was the first time, so I was sorta scared. She then lastly wanted me to take them to a friends place in Irvine to spend the night. I thought she was coming back with me, but I dont know what happened where she wanted to spend time with them. So I drive them to santa monica, everyone is always sleeping. No one talks to me. I just drive. I felt like a chauffeur and I joked around saying to her that thats how I am in their eyes, but she got all angry at me. and went back to sleep. We go to santa monica, but its super late because they wanted to leave super late. We end up eating at a ramen place and yogurt. She still asks about jeff some more and really wanted to see him but doesnt know where he is. I then sorta felt disgusted in the way in which I felt used. This whole this was a ploy to get back with a guy that broke her heart and left her crying for weeks. I didnt understand this, the same reason why I feel so strongly to her when nothing good happens to me. I then drive them to irvine very late at nite. I was super tired also. It was my first time driving to Irvine also. And again they fell asleep and I was to myself and my own thoughts. I dropped them off to Irvine and they just say bye. I didnt spend any time more with them or anything. Just like a dad dropping his son off at school. Very brief. Thats how the drop off was. I sorta felt like, wow, I do all this to you guys, and this is all you show to appreciate it? Do you think this was all expected or something? How about how I feel or how I spent money on gas and all. To her defense she did try to pay for my gas, but I dont accept it, cuz I feel like shes too good of a friend to let her pay. especially shes a girl. But I guess thinking that is my flaw. Anyways, I get back to riverside, I have a test the next day. She said that she wants to come to riverside one last nite and then go back to fly from LAX. I dont know why she didnt leave from ontario airport, but at first I told her I was down to do it. But, she felt that it was too much driving, but I still pushed it. I was waiting for final confirmation when she left a message at 3am when Im alseep to say she had been partying with her friend in riverside, not irvine and he is driving them to LAX. I felt like all this time she was in irvine and needed me to pick her up and all, though all this time, she was with someone else and didnt tell me until the last minute. I just felt used and sad. All this time I go out of my way to make them happy and do things and they just leave me in an instant for someone else and not tell me. As if Im not worth the effort to call. And also, I like how they didnt even invite me to the party that they were at too. But to them I feel like I had no reason to be upset or feel the way I do. To them, they did nothing wrong.
This just makes me feel even more like shit. All her birthdays that I bought little gifts for her I thought was sentimental meant nothing to her. I bought and mailed her presents to her. I had wrote all the cards and tried to be creative to her. I bought her knickknacks one time and shoes with candy the next time solely because she asked. I wasnt going to give her anything because she never did anything to me, but I felt this was a way to strengthen our friendship, so I did.
So all this has been what I have been feeling about her. And how I felt like I was becoming very torn about how I pictured her and how Im being treated by her. So then yesterday we were talking like normal when she asks me about this random person I guess is a friend to me on facebook. Shes like, who is this? Im like ? who? and she fires back, who who who? I already told you?!! -__-, like as if Im slow or something? Then I try to poke fun at the name and write it as something else, but she fires back like, I already wrote the name. how do you not know her? Shes your friend? who is she? who is she? At this point I felt like shes coming on to me way to fast. I tell her to calm down and chill out. I dont think I know her. I soon check out this girl shes asking about and I see that she is her friend too. So then I confront her like, wtf why are you asking me like Im supposed to know who she is? You are her friend too! why dont you dont even know her and you think that I am supposed to know her? Of course throughout this time, shes saying wtf to me, when she said, wtf, shes your friend, why dont you know her? and also when she was like omfg how do you not know her type of thing. but then anyways she was like, I just added her so I dont know who she is? And I was like, well I dont know who she is? Why you think Im supposed to know? Is this urgent? Why are you fronting me like Im supposed to know her....And thats when shes like Woow, seriously? wow, why are you being like this to me? Why are you swearing at me? Im just asking you a question, and you blow up at me. wow, I didnt know youd react like this. you ask me all these questions all the time and I never act like this and this one time I ask you, you blow up and swear at me. Wow, you know how you ask like 20 million questions to me and sometimes they are persistent and annoying, well..... and she just went on, on how she wont ask me nothing no more and how she will think about what she would say to me. I told her that I was sorry to blowing up and I shouldntve done it, especially to her. And asked her to forgive me. And that ALLL that I done for her dont jusdge me by this one petty incident. But she was like, I dont know anymore, wow I couldnt believe you and everything. She was like Fuck it, forget it. Just those two words alone I hate. I hate being blown off my someone who doesnt even want to listen to me anymore and just closes off. I had experienced that before with one of my teachers and I felt horrible because I felt like I did nothing wrong and yet, she makes me feel like I just committed a crime. So, whenever someone says fuck it, forget it, im done, I just feel so angry that Im being described as being the bad guy when Im just acting like myself and the other person is the angel. She said, all I wanted to ask is if you knew her and you blew up. But I wanted and did say that I felt like I was being pushed into a corner and expected to know someone and being assaulted by saying that I SHOULD know them when I dont? that to me felt threatening. But she ignored me when i said that. She just kept on saying how she didnt understand why I said the things I said. oh well. I feel like an asshole now and I feel like shit. I feel like I must repent for something that I didnt do? I knew I had a justified right, but because its her I feel like I was wrong for whatever reason. I dont know anymore. I get treated like leftovers and Im held to an unattainable standard. Im just mad at myself, disappointed, and want to be left alone again. :/

Fuck the police, the ucpd, the moreno valley superior court system, the entire socal judicary system because it is all bullshit and a joke

FUCK THE POLICE!!!! Especially UCPD!!! fucking douchebags who wield their power without and purpose of morals. They are there to maintain corrupt and unjust quotas for a broke ass county. Just because UCPD are composed of all the asshole jocks from highschool that gone no where in life, doesnt mean you have to be the asshole of the campus by putting misery on everyone. Fuck, citing crimes that you never saw, but assumed, making up aligations and citing people knowing that if they were to fight it, it would be a long and arduous process, the fucking police set you up for failure. Fuck your representation of high ethical and moral standings in society, you guys are just a bunch of douche bags with nothing to do! you are worst that the students you "protect"! Not only do you leave unsolved cases pile up, shuffle the blame to other entities, allow rape, assaults, and murders to happen, you make more arrests over petty shit that you dont see half the time. You are a bunch of idiots that are gitty to break every since law out there because you got a fucking badge and gun. This is why I never the police. This is why I feel they are unjust and unethical. This is why I think UCPD is a total joke and full of bull shit. Getting a ticket was just the confirming reason to hate everything there is about law enforcement. They dont do shit and they cite people for things that couldnt be helped. I can fight my case, but it will be long and arudous and it will bring on unwanted attention. All this by the fucking police. This is not the first time I was wrongfully held. The first time was when I was stopped for "public intoxication" when I was waiting for friends to pick me up from a party. I got arrested when I started asking questions as of why they are stopping me, what grounds did they have to charge me, what are their names, and badge numbers. All this was under the miranda rights in the Bill of Rights. point of all this, through all my encounters with the police, I concluded that I have been victimized for total bullshit and there is nothing to be done about the whole thing. The police is a joke and the UCPD is a bunch of assholes. We would be better if the actual police were to work on campus. Fuck this UCPD nonsense and fuck the judiciary system in SOCAL. This whole thing is a corrupt and decrepit system that is set up for failure.