Dood, whats up
How does it feel to be interpreting new laws?
The country was hella young at the time you were chief justice, how was running the circuit courts like? At least you had to travel.
What is your favorite color?
what was your family like?
What would you like to do at home?
Was your family very centralized and uniform like the union, or was it independent and different like the states?
which states did you like the best? you shouldve came to california if you were alive to see it.
What is your favorite food? I would cook you up some bomb ass spaghetti. no joke.
Im sure everyone asks you about your rulings and decisions, would you still like to discuss them or are you tired?
Thank you for making the country more federalized and more uniformed. It was a good thing. To centralize our national government to have supremacy over state governments was a good thing. If not, I would be forced to live at low wages cuz Im not really all white and California would have the economy of mexico.
What was your rational behind McCullouch vs Maryland. I read it and I know why you did what you did, but I want to hear it coming from you.
Were there any cases that stuck out to you the most?
Do you have any regrets for doing what you did?
How did you like Andrew Jackson, Mr. I do what I want bitches, guy?
Would you ever go back to the Court? What would you do? Would you take over everything?
What do you think of our judicial system now? What would you do to it?
Where were you when I got arrested for public intoxication? Can you help me out by protecting my right to owning my own beer? Isnt that the right to property? Was that an illegal form of search and seizure on behalf by the police?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Accomplishment. Progress. Escape
Today I landed on a curb with an ollie for the first time.
After months of failure and cowardice, I find myself relishing in the feeling of doing something that I dreamed of and believed I couldnt do.
I dream about doing this for awhile and whenever it came to it, I just felt scared and saw images of myself on the ground with a pool of blood around my head.
Iono what possessed me today. Was it stubbornness to get this done? Was it that I forced myself to do it? I honestly dont know.
I seriously could describe what was in my head at that time other than try to keep your back foot in place.
I didnt know what was going to happen. I just concentrated, held my breath and went.
It was as if I focused nothing other than doing it.
Now I just do something and my board follows. I cant even feel the motion of it. I just does it.
Iono. I just feel happy and accomplished now.
I feel sort of sadden now. This is why I started skating. I needed to keep myself occupied and not think about the ones that hurt me. In fact, I still think of them. I know they all moved on and forgot about me. I tried to be ever so nice and true with them, only to have my heart broken.
I wish there was someone I could talk to, to honestly tell my feelings. Im so happy and so proud, but honestly, I feel like I can tell no one. Because no one cares. I really want a person that I could share my passions to, to study with, to hang out with. It doesnt mean living with them as I see others do, but I just feel that like, Im lacking something.
This emptiness of not telling someone who would really care about this is what hurts me and reminds me of all the people who stepped or used me.
I dont think they would like to read that they stepped on me, but thats how I feel.
To flirt with me and to be in the moment. Iono how to describe it.
I dont know if I should think of it as another way or not.
I felt like I was/am an escape for girls.
Escape from thinking about their boyfriends or special someone's that theyve been thinking and seeing.
Make me believe that I could have a chance with them, even though I cant.
Make me have hopes and dreams that someone actually felt the same way as I do with them.
I want to know the person yes, but if things happen so fast, what can I do. Say, whoa stop kissing me, let me talk to you first and get to know you. No? well, I shouldve been the better man, but then iono I would still like to get to know you, but I feel that I had to chance from the start. Someone was still in your heart while you were texting me and I couldnt have seen anything.
And thats what I feel that has been happening. Whoever I talk to, they have all been talking to someone close or their exes. Do I even have a chance with them with true love? or is it that im a buffer and im a cushion. Or am I a brief escape and dream. Innocent and naive to their true intentions and follow them based on a simple believe that they liked me. I do not know which is true or not. Im still learning and I try to be optimistic
But when these moments do come, I am constantly reminded of them. And I wish I have someone close to share with. Instead of typing it in a blog.
This is why skateboarding is an escape for me.
After months of failure and cowardice, I find myself relishing in the feeling of doing something that I dreamed of and believed I couldnt do.
I dream about doing this for awhile and whenever it came to it, I just felt scared and saw images of myself on the ground with a pool of blood around my head.
Iono what possessed me today. Was it stubbornness to get this done? Was it that I forced myself to do it? I honestly dont know.
I seriously could describe what was in my head at that time other than try to keep your back foot in place.
I didnt know what was going to happen. I just concentrated, held my breath and went.
It was as if I focused nothing other than doing it.
Now I just do something and my board follows. I cant even feel the motion of it. I just does it.
Iono. I just feel happy and accomplished now.
I feel sort of sadden now. This is why I started skating. I needed to keep myself occupied and not think about the ones that hurt me. In fact, I still think of them. I know they all moved on and forgot about me. I tried to be ever so nice and true with them, only to have my heart broken.
I wish there was someone I could talk to, to honestly tell my feelings. Im so happy and so proud, but honestly, I feel like I can tell no one. Because no one cares. I really want a person that I could share my passions to, to study with, to hang out with. It doesnt mean living with them as I see others do, but I just feel that like, Im lacking something.
This emptiness of not telling someone who would really care about this is what hurts me and reminds me of all the people who stepped or used me.
I dont think they would like to read that they stepped on me, but thats how I feel.
To flirt with me and to be in the moment. Iono how to describe it.
I dont know if I should think of it as another way or not.
I felt like I was/am an escape for girls.
Escape from thinking about their boyfriends or special someone's that theyve been thinking and seeing.
Make me believe that I could have a chance with them, even though I cant.
Make me have hopes and dreams that someone actually felt the same way as I do with them.
I want to know the person yes, but if things happen so fast, what can I do. Say, whoa stop kissing me, let me talk to you first and get to know you. No? well, I shouldve been the better man, but then iono I would still like to get to know you, but I feel that I had to chance from the start. Someone was still in your heart while you were texting me and I couldnt have seen anything.
And thats what I feel that has been happening. Whoever I talk to, they have all been talking to someone close or their exes. Do I even have a chance with them with true love? or is it that im a buffer and im a cushion. Or am I a brief escape and dream. Innocent and naive to their true intentions and follow them based on a simple believe that they liked me. I do not know which is true or not. Im still learning and I try to be optimistic
But when these moments do come, I am constantly reminded of them. And I wish I have someone close to share with. Instead of typing it in a blog.
This is why skateboarding is an escape for me.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Lipgloss and Letdown
I dont really know how to describe how I feel right now.
Every good thing I have followed thus far has led to some failure and disappointment.
I try to open up and go for it and take chances, but the floor is falling beneath me.
I should just drop everything right now. I feel like letting the plate shatter on the ground.
And watching the shards fly off in their own separate directions.
This is why I went into skating to begin with. To drown out these feelings.
To cut off these letdowns. In the end, Im the only one thats hurting.
Im so used to it, my heart is at a state of numbness and no feeling. It feels pain, but thats it.
I try to wear a separate mask for people to see me at school. One that is shy and quiet.
But honestly, I try to hide my mistrust and calculating feelings I have in people.
All the good things that come into my life, I think of it only numbered.
How long will this good feelings last? 1-3 days? 1 week? 1 weekend?
It has become such a numb feeling now that I just feel myself living dreams. I think that it can be better but it has all ended in letdown.
Lipgloss and Letdown. by A Static Lullaby
Every good thing I have followed thus far has led to some failure and disappointment.
I try to open up and go for it and take chances, but the floor is falling beneath me.
I should just drop everything right now. I feel like letting the plate shatter on the ground.
And watching the shards fly off in their own separate directions.
This is why I went into skating to begin with. To drown out these feelings.
To cut off these letdowns. In the end, Im the only one thats hurting.
Im so used to it, my heart is at a state of numbness and no feeling. It feels pain, but thats it.
I try to wear a separate mask for people to see me at school. One that is shy and quiet.
But honestly, I try to hide my mistrust and calculating feelings I have in people.
All the good things that come into my life, I think of it only numbered.
How long will this good feelings last? 1-3 days? 1 week? 1 weekend?
It has become such a numb feeling now that I just feel myself living dreams. I think that it can be better but it has all ended in letdown.
Lipgloss and Letdown. by A Static Lullaby
Monday, February 9, 2009
The roaring calm. How I felt today
This is a blog about my mundate day and how it reminded me of some of the most sensational blissfull experiences of my life. These are a bunch of sensations and feelings I felt that all reflect a common and peacefull state of mind based upon the most amazing sight I saw today
Have you seen the sky today? Today was something that inspired me.
The roaring calm. The constant stillness. The chaotic slowness of how the rain moved. It was like the dull roar of a storm. It was not loud, but you can still hear it. The rain, it sounded like a soothing and constant mumble. People say that they change with the rain. Some are happier and some are more depressed. But from what I saw, life went on the way it has been rain or shine. The only thing that changed was the brisk walks or the clothes the people wear. I like the rain. Lets me have time to think. Time to just listen to my iPod and go. I dont talk to no one, I dont call no one. I just move. It is this automatic, non thinking motion of inner peace that I like. It is a non thinking state of mind. Where my legs just go on its own and Im just a passenger walking by. The rain as it falls seems like a nontangable mass. It was like a gaint infinite shower. I love that feeling. Getting into a shower and letting the water hit you. It massages you. Your shoulders, your legs, your feet. Your heat and your face. You get used to it. You bask in it. You become more relaxed. For me, all my thoughts go away and Im in inner peace. I dont think about nothing. Its just a state of being. A moment of just blankness and purity. And so this was what the rain reminded me of today.
The best part of it tho. Is the smell. I love the smell after the rain. The smell of freshness, the smell of pure water, the smell of all the dust, dirty, and guilt that was accumulated just was away, like the dirt from your body in the shower. I only wish our memories were somewhat like this. I wish our thoughts and feelings were like this. I wish there were a way we can forgive and make up as easy as rinsing yourself like the water over a dusty plant. I wish things can be renewed like the dry and cracked soil that was thus replenished today. I wish someone could see me renewed and refreshed instead of dirty, crusty, and sadden like back then. The rain brings life and brings something new. It goes out with the old and brings in the new. The rain washes out the ugly and dead and transforms them into something that is more beautiful and new. The washing that the rain did reminded me of a shower. I can help but feel peacefull. I looked up and have the water droplets drop on my face, each drop hitting my face was like a test of my reflexes and sensitivity. I felt alive. As the water ran down my face into my hair, it reminded me of the time I came up from the riptide when I was surfing. It was so nice.
The riptide was so turbulent and so forcefull, I couldnt move. All I did was go with the flow. Turn in endless cycles of current beneath the surface. I panicked at first, trying to use my arms and legs to swim out from it. But, I couldnt move, I accepted it. I didnt know how long I lasted underneath there, but I conserved my energy and just observed all of the bubbles and water around me. Then as sudden it engulfed me, it suddenly let me go. At the first sign of that, I had a burst of energy and jumped up to the surface like that shark catching that seal. I felt the air, the sun, the smell of the water all coming to me all at once. In my head, there was a sense overload. I was hit with so many things happening to me all at once. I saw first was the clouds over me. Looming there like it wasnt going anywhere. And then as I looked down I saw the foamy surface of the water and the rolling waves coming my way. When I looked at how the waves were formed, it made me aware of how something so suttle and so minute can roll and transform into something massive and forcefull. Like a charge. You begin with a brisk walk, then a light jog, then into a full sprint. Nothing can stop you, nothing can waver you. You are a kamikaze. You are the devine wind that swept into the enemy Mongul ships from entering Japan. This sensation of when I looked at the wave was something so powerful I just had to respect. The salt water splashing into my eyes and nose. The stinging of it and the feeling of pain brought me back to earth. And then the roar of the ocean before me was almost deafening. My arms and legs could barely move. My legs felt stronger and I made stronger kicks, my arms tightly griped my board and with each stroke I took, the more energized my arms became. This was the sensation of blissfullness that I never experienced. It was an exciting and adreneline indusing experience that I have ever had. That day, I truely felt alive.
And then as the rain stopped and the clouds parted, I saw something that reminded me of an act of God. The clouds parted in such a way and in such an angel that the sun passed through the middle of a ring of clouds. It was absolutely spectacular. The colors of the sun brushing the bottom of each cloud was phenonmenal. The bright cream orange color mixed in with a cream colored pink and red turned into violet and soft purple and then ultimately to blue and then gray. It was like a reversed rainbow. The color spectrum was so inspiring to me that today I found myself stopping what I was doing and just stared at the sky. I did this all the time when I was a little kid looking up at the sky after the rain. Iono why, just that picturesque sight is something so beautiful and so alluring to me that I can help myself by to take it all in.
Some writers from the ancient world said this was a sight of a great battle that was victorious, or of a great warrior getting killed. All throughout history there have been many ways to interpret this sight. All were different and all were aweinspiring, but all of the writers had the same sight in mind when they wrote it. To me, I dont think of great battles or warriors, I just look at it in a really aweinspired way. I love it. If I were to die, I would like to die at one of these sightings. Its something so beautiful and so seriene that I am at absolute bliss.
This blog has so many different aspects to it. I know. From the way the rain felt today, to my rememberence of surfing, to the state at which I would like to die in. These are all feelings that rush through me whenever I think of this feeling and this sight. It is so hard to describe how I felt, but with each aspect of which I observed I had the most amazing feeling in the world. And this was how it felt like to me.
Have you seen the sky today? Today was something that inspired me.
The roaring calm. The constant stillness. The chaotic slowness of how the rain moved. It was like the dull roar of a storm. It was not loud, but you can still hear it. The rain, it sounded like a soothing and constant mumble. People say that they change with the rain. Some are happier and some are more depressed. But from what I saw, life went on the way it has been rain or shine. The only thing that changed was the brisk walks or the clothes the people wear. I like the rain. Lets me have time to think. Time to just listen to my iPod and go. I dont talk to no one, I dont call no one. I just move. It is this automatic, non thinking motion of inner peace that I like. It is a non thinking state of mind. Where my legs just go on its own and Im just a passenger walking by. The rain as it falls seems like a nontangable mass. It was like a gaint infinite shower. I love that feeling. Getting into a shower and letting the water hit you. It massages you. Your shoulders, your legs, your feet. Your heat and your face. You get used to it. You bask in it. You become more relaxed. For me, all my thoughts go away and Im in inner peace. I dont think about nothing. Its just a state of being. A moment of just blankness and purity. And so this was what the rain reminded me of today.
The best part of it tho. Is the smell. I love the smell after the rain. The smell of freshness, the smell of pure water, the smell of all the dust, dirty, and guilt that was accumulated just was away, like the dirt from your body in the shower. I only wish our memories were somewhat like this. I wish our thoughts and feelings were like this. I wish there were a way we can forgive and make up as easy as rinsing yourself like the water over a dusty plant. I wish things can be renewed like the dry and cracked soil that was thus replenished today. I wish someone could see me renewed and refreshed instead of dirty, crusty, and sadden like back then. The rain brings life and brings something new. It goes out with the old and brings in the new. The rain washes out the ugly and dead and transforms them into something that is more beautiful and new. The washing that the rain did reminded me of a shower. I can help but feel peacefull. I looked up and have the water droplets drop on my face, each drop hitting my face was like a test of my reflexes and sensitivity. I felt alive. As the water ran down my face into my hair, it reminded me of the time I came up from the riptide when I was surfing. It was so nice.
The riptide was so turbulent and so forcefull, I couldnt move. All I did was go with the flow. Turn in endless cycles of current beneath the surface. I panicked at first, trying to use my arms and legs to swim out from it. But, I couldnt move, I accepted it. I didnt know how long I lasted underneath there, but I conserved my energy and just observed all of the bubbles and water around me. Then as sudden it engulfed me, it suddenly let me go. At the first sign of that, I had a burst of energy and jumped up to the surface like that shark catching that seal. I felt the air, the sun, the smell of the water all coming to me all at once. In my head, there was a sense overload. I was hit with so many things happening to me all at once. I saw first was the clouds over me. Looming there like it wasnt going anywhere. And then as I looked down I saw the foamy surface of the water and the rolling waves coming my way. When I looked at how the waves were formed, it made me aware of how something so suttle and so minute can roll and transform into something massive and forcefull. Like a charge. You begin with a brisk walk, then a light jog, then into a full sprint. Nothing can stop you, nothing can waver you. You are a kamikaze. You are the devine wind that swept into the enemy Mongul ships from entering Japan. This sensation of when I looked at the wave was something so powerful I just had to respect. The salt water splashing into my eyes and nose. The stinging of it and the feeling of pain brought me back to earth. And then the roar of the ocean before me was almost deafening. My arms and legs could barely move. My legs felt stronger and I made stronger kicks, my arms tightly griped my board and with each stroke I took, the more energized my arms became. This was the sensation of blissfullness that I never experienced. It was an exciting and adreneline indusing experience that I have ever had. That day, I truely felt alive.
And then as the rain stopped and the clouds parted, I saw something that reminded me of an act of God. The clouds parted in such a way and in such an angel that the sun passed through the middle of a ring of clouds. It was absolutely spectacular. The colors of the sun brushing the bottom of each cloud was phenonmenal. The bright cream orange color mixed in with a cream colored pink and red turned into violet and soft purple and then ultimately to blue and then gray. It was like a reversed rainbow. The color spectrum was so inspiring to me that today I found myself stopping what I was doing and just stared at the sky. I did this all the time when I was a little kid looking up at the sky after the rain. Iono why, just that picturesque sight is something so beautiful and so alluring to me that I can help myself by to take it all in.
Some writers from the ancient world said this was a sight of a great battle that was victorious, or of a great warrior getting killed. All throughout history there have been many ways to interpret this sight. All were different and all were aweinspiring, but all of the writers had the same sight in mind when they wrote it. To me, I dont think of great battles or warriors, I just look at it in a really aweinspired way. I love it. If I were to die, I would like to die at one of these sightings. Its something so beautiful and so seriene that I am at absolute bliss.
This blog has so many different aspects to it. I know. From the way the rain felt today, to my rememberence of surfing, to the state at which I would like to die in. These are all feelings that rush through me whenever I think of this feeling and this sight. It is so hard to describe how I felt, but with each aspect of which I observed I had the most amazing feeling in the world. And this was how it felt like to me.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
the quiet things that no one ever knows
This is my first blog. Im not really the one to write. The only times that I truely have the urge to write is when something bad has happened to me. So, I dont want to jinx myself now.
About me.
Im the quiet guy that no one really knows. I dont really shout out or do anything out of the ordinary to get attention. Im not too big on brand stuff and I get everything I wear from sales from skate shop or from marshalls. I hang around with lots of people and I tend to grow an strong bond with them that I will do anything for them. But thats another story.
I feel that Im the nice guy that finishes last all the time. So, if I tease you and you dont like it, dont take it too heart cuz Im just trying to get your attention and it means that I do think about you and just want to talk to you. However, Im used to being used by others and getting stepped on to certain extents. I never really experienced to many good things. I dont believe that I have ever had major long term relationships just some fly by night ones. However, I do want to be somewhat stable and I want to care for another person and love the feeling when I am loved again. For, Im in college and far from home and I often feel quiet alone and ignored. I try to keep myself busy for doing sports or working out, but I cant bring myself to consistently going to a gym. I feel like im a hampster running in place. If I work for something I want results. That is how I am with everything in life. Except love, cuz I have no real experience there and I just epically fail.
I feel that whenever I have something good and just and right, I would end up tripping or falling on my face. I have something right now that I want to cherish and I do cherish it now, but I dont want anything to happen to it. My worst fear is losing this one chance I have. So I want to let you know that if Im being too overly compulsive on certain things, its that I care and worried for you. Just tell me to stop anytime and I will drop anything to listen to you.
I usually try to stay somewhat frugal. I would try to get that extra free thing where I go. However, when it comes to friends and family, money is not an object. That is how I am I guess.
Another thing, I defy authority. Even though my father, grandfather, and great grandfather served, Im hesitant about it. I had a really good friend from elementary school, die 3 days after I talked to him before he was coming back from Iraq. This whole war is unjust and a mistake. I want everyone to come home and send Bush to that place. So going back to authority even thought what I said was no where relavent, I constantly encourage my rights to question authority. From police to our government. I yelled at a lobbyest for the Hummer Dealership. I yelled at assemblymen who decides to pass bills to raise their salary and lower service worker's wages. I want to bring everyone's flaws to their face and see how they react. I feel that in away I can relate to the poor people that they screw over.
I came from humble beginings. And my childhood wasnt to much to glorify about. I did lots of shameful things but after learning and figuring myself out, I feel that Im a better person for what I done.
And most of all, I hate people who live in a money driven bubble. Anyone from the OC, Irvine, or Hollywood, I consider you to be in this bubble. You are so unaware of everything around you that I just hate it. I wish we could subsitute your selfish colonies in exchange for the poor people from 3rd world countries who actually work to survive. I hate it when I see 16 year olds drive skyliniers or hummers. I hate for who they are and represent. I wish I could subject them to the same suffering and hardship that I went through to prove a point that they are no higher than anyone else.
So going through the story from the top. I guess I'll write a few words from that incident. I was at a party and it was nice. It was my friends house and there were lots of people there and everyone was having fun. However, some basketball players rolled up and started to destroy everything and steal things. They started fights inside the house and the fights started to move outside. When my friend (a girl) asked them to leave politely. I guy came up and slapped her in the face. Now, I was drunk, but I cant let that slide. This was a tall black guy easily over 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. And I just went into his face and told him to apologize. No one should ever hit women. No man or basketball player. I dont care who you are, but you stepped over the line. The guy just laughed at me and shoved me back. Then I punched him in the throat. As he was reeling back, I got blindsided by some of his "homies" I was tackled to the ground and got beat. I was kicked in the face, head, ribs, hands, legs, everywhere. I dont know if I were drunk or what but I honestly didnt feel anything. The only thing I noticed was the swelling of my eye and the feeling of blood dripping from my face. The whole time I was saying, an observer said was, "please leave" During this time. Everyone just made a big opening, looking on as I was getting beat up. No one moved, no one protested no one did anything. It was about 8 black guys against me. I trying my best catching their kicks and twisting their ankles until I heard a popping noise. Then they threw me up against a car and started taking turns hitting me. Still, no one helped me out. They relentlessly pounded my face, chest ears, and jaw. over and over. and I just yelled out, "please leave". I then saw this last guy wind up for a final blow, and as he threw it, I moved my body before he could hit me, thus his hand went straight into the car and I heard a crunch. And him screaming afterwards. After this I think they got tired. I was so out of it that I believed someone pulled me out. My clothes were all bloody and my eyes were shut. I was so pumped up in adrenaline that I could not feel anything. I washed up the best I could and ran back to see them. This time with a 2x4 in one hand and a beer bottle in the other. Everyone told me to stop, but I kept on pushing them aside and went out. Then I guess they were leaving, so I threw everything at their car as they drove off.
The last thing I remember before I past out was going over to my friend and asking her if she were all right. She later otld me that despite how ugly I looked, I asked her with a smile.
This incident is nothing glorious, it is just to exemplify how far I would go for my friends. I might not be the loudest one, but whenever their lives are at risk, I am willing to sacrifice myself to save them first.
And I was like this growing up. I got into so many fights that some might say it were meaningless. But if it were to make others from picking on my friends, stealing from them, or bullying them, I did whatever it took to stop them.
Anywho, that was a long tangent. It was the past. I hope Im not as violent now as I were when I was younger. I just want to live my life with no regrets and always with a moral standing. I feel that I do what I want to do even if its against the norm. I do what I feel is just and right.
So yeah. Because of my past, I feel that everything good in my life that I have now will be shortly lived. I feel like Im about to drop the ball or trip up. I want to cherish the thing that i care for the most right now. I want to be there for her. Emotionally, intellectually, physically. I want to be the best I can for the one I care for most. I hope she can see it this way for I fail at making words flow.
Anyways, this is just a small non glorious part of me that I decided to write. If you want to know me more, just come and meet me Im always open and I love to talk and have conversations.
I am who I am. Just accept it.
And I will always do the same for you.
You might feel broken or lost. I accept you for who you are, no matter what. What happened, happened. There's no going back. What we do now and in the future determines who we are now.
About me.
Im the quiet guy that no one really knows. I dont really shout out or do anything out of the ordinary to get attention. Im not too big on brand stuff and I get everything I wear from sales from skate shop or from marshalls. I hang around with lots of people and I tend to grow an strong bond with them that I will do anything for them. But thats another story.
I feel that Im the nice guy that finishes last all the time. So, if I tease you and you dont like it, dont take it too heart cuz Im just trying to get your attention and it means that I do think about you and just want to talk to you. However, Im used to being used by others and getting stepped on to certain extents. I never really experienced to many good things. I dont believe that I have ever had major long term relationships just some fly by night ones. However, I do want to be somewhat stable and I want to care for another person and love the feeling when I am loved again. For, Im in college and far from home and I often feel quiet alone and ignored. I try to keep myself busy for doing sports or working out, but I cant bring myself to consistently going to a gym. I feel like im a hampster running in place. If I work for something I want results. That is how I am with everything in life. Except love, cuz I have no real experience there and I just epically fail.
I feel that whenever I have something good and just and right, I would end up tripping or falling on my face. I have something right now that I want to cherish and I do cherish it now, but I dont want anything to happen to it. My worst fear is losing this one chance I have. So I want to let you know that if Im being too overly compulsive on certain things, its that I care and worried for you. Just tell me to stop anytime and I will drop anything to listen to you.
I usually try to stay somewhat frugal. I would try to get that extra free thing where I go. However, when it comes to friends and family, money is not an object. That is how I am I guess.
Another thing, I defy authority. Even though my father, grandfather, and great grandfather served, Im hesitant about it. I had a really good friend from elementary school, die 3 days after I talked to him before he was coming back from Iraq. This whole war is unjust and a mistake. I want everyone to come home and send Bush to that place. So going back to authority even thought what I said was no where relavent, I constantly encourage my rights to question authority. From police to our government. I yelled at a lobbyest for the Hummer Dealership. I yelled at assemblymen who decides to pass bills to raise their salary and lower service worker's wages. I want to bring everyone's flaws to their face and see how they react. I feel that in away I can relate to the poor people that they screw over.
I came from humble beginings. And my childhood wasnt to much to glorify about. I did lots of shameful things but after learning and figuring myself out, I feel that Im a better person for what I done.
And most of all, I hate people who live in a money driven bubble. Anyone from the OC, Irvine, or Hollywood, I consider you to be in this bubble. You are so unaware of everything around you that I just hate it. I wish we could subsitute your selfish colonies in exchange for the poor people from 3rd world countries who actually work to survive. I hate it when I see 16 year olds drive skyliniers or hummers. I hate for who they are and represent. I wish I could subject them to the same suffering and hardship that I went through to prove a point that they are no higher than anyone else.
So going through the story from the top. I guess I'll write a few words from that incident. I was at a party and it was nice. It was my friends house and there were lots of people there and everyone was having fun. However, some basketball players rolled up and started to destroy everything and steal things. They started fights inside the house and the fights started to move outside. When my friend (a girl) asked them to leave politely. I guy came up and slapped her in the face. Now, I was drunk, but I cant let that slide. This was a tall black guy easily over 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. And I just went into his face and told him to apologize. No one should ever hit women. No man or basketball player. I dont care who you are, but you stepped over the line. The guy just laughed at me and shoved me back. Then I punched him in the throat. As he was reeling back, I got blindsided by some of his "homies" I was tackled to the ground and got beat. I was kicked in the face, head, ribs, hands, legs, everywhere. I dont know if I were drunk or what but I honestly didnt feel anything. The only thing I noticed was the swelling of my eye and the feeling of blood dripping from my face. The whole time I was saying, an observer said was, "please leave" During this time. Everyone just made a big opening, looking on as I was getting beat up. No one moved, no one protested no one did anything. It was about 8 black guys against me. I trying my best catching their kicks and twisting their ankles until I heard a popping noise. Then they threw me up against a car and started taking turns hitting me. Still, no one helped me out. They relentlessly pounded my face, chest ears, and jaw. over and over. and I just yelled out, "please leave". I then saw this last guy wind up for a final blow, and as he threw it, I moved my body before he could hit me, thus his hand went straight into the car and I heard a crunch. And him screaming afterwards. After this I think they got tired. I was so out of it that I believed someone pulled me out. My clothes were all bloody and my eyes were shut. I was so pumped up in adrenaline that I could not feel anything. I washed up the best I could and ran back to see them. This time with a 2x4 in one hand and a beer bottle in the other. Everyone told me to stop, but I kept on pushing them aside and went out. Then I guess they were leaving, so I threw everything at their car as they drove off.
The last thing I remember before I past out was going over to my friend and asking her if she were all right. She later otld me that despite how ugly I looked, I asked her with a smile.
This incident is nothing glorious, it is just to exemplify how far I would go for my friends. I might not be the loudest one, but whenever their lives are at risk, I am willing to sacrifice myself to save them first.
And I was like this growing up. I got into so many fights that some might say it were meaningless. But if it were to make others from picking on my friends, stealing from them, or bullying them, I did whatever it took to stop them.
Anywho, that was a long tangent. It was the past. I hope Im not as violent now as I were when I was younger. I just want to live my life with no regrets and always with a moral standing. I feel that I do what I want to do even if its against the norm. I do what I feel is just and right.
So yeah. Because of my past, I feel that everything good in my life that I have now will be shortly lived. I feel like Im about to drop the ball or trip up. I want to cherish the thing that i care for the most right now. I want to be there for her. Emotionally, intellectually, physically. I want to be the best I can for the one I care for most. I hope she can see it this way for I fail at making words flow.
Anyways, this is just a small non glorious part of me that I decided to write. If you want to know me more, just come and meet me Im always open and I love to talk and have conversations.
I am who I am. Just accept it.
And I will always do the same for you.
You might feel broken or lost. I accept you for who you are, no matter what. What happened, happened. There's no going back. What we do now and in the future determines who we are now.
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