No matter what happens in any situation in my love life. Somehow in someway I fuck things up. There are countless times that this happens, but right now, I am laughing at myself for acting such a fool. I dont know why I falsely believe what I want to believe in. I want to believe in the love that I share with someone. However I can tell and also have a feeling that it will never work. I have many people tell me how good I am and stuff like that, but it just never works. Some say that it is just God telling me to stay focused on my career. I like to think that. But, I just dont feel encouraged with my love life. Everything I do I fall flat on my face and get the wind knocked out of me when it comes to relationships. Oh well, and then all around me I am surrounded by those who are getting together and doing well. Its hard to ignore but they are there. I dont know why I let this bother me but...meh.
I also think that the reason why I am feeling this way is because my escape, my ropes of support, my friends to fall back on, are leaving me. One has a car now and I know how that goes. There goes his whole previous life. Now, everything is about spending money on stupid shit on the car and let his friends go while he is being self absorbed. All I can do is try to act encouraging to him, even though he doesnt do too much for it. And another friend of mine, whom I thought I was closer to, is getting wrapped up in a frat. I still want to be there for him, but like my previous convictions told me, the frats are black holes. You pay them money so that you enter into their bubble. Their bubble is full of unnecessary events, formal dances, and unnecessary spending of money. They hide these things with the promise of girls, an automatic hang out group, and great parties. I am not going to lie, but these are great temptations. It is just that I want to live my life the way I want to be. I cant for whatever reason let anyone tell me what to do for something I feel is not right. Or to be labeled something rather than having my name. Sometimes frat people are full of those who are not really in tuned with the have nots. I want to be my own person and be intouch with those who dont have. I feel community service is giving your change to that poor person on the corner or buying him/'her a cheeseburger. Not hang out with a group of friends, do absolutely nothing and take pictures with homeless. I have my convictions and I need to stick with them. I do get tempted to join, but so does everyone else. I want to still be myself, rather than a symbol or sign. It is just sad to see some of my close friends chose this life and how they get so wrapped up in it that they forget who you are.
In my civil war history class we are discussing about the South's post war perspective. They had felt that they could have still won the war if a few things have gone their way. On the out set of the war, they were at a somewhat disadvantage. Then throughout the war, they would continue to fight the overwhelming Federal troops with tact and brilliance even though the Confederates were vastly outnumbered.
