I gotta catch myself and say, why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this all the time? Its like the same thing over and over again, just the names, the people the friends all change.

The problem is that Im lead to believe that following someone would be cool and we can all hang out. Or it might turn into a romantic sense after hanging out. Whatever the circumstance maybe, it end result is always the same. I get burned. I get ignored, and things always gets awkward, or we dont talk, she moves on, im quick to be forgotten.

Today, I just had to step back and think things through. Why do I end up in these situations?

iono, maybe Im over thinking, over venting, or just had a bad day. But Im just thinking through all this.

Here are the names of those I blindly follow for romantic reasons that always turn up bad.
Mel.L, Kor.H, Car K, Mar N, Sir W, Yad S, Kina C, and I think these are about it for college. Its a lot yes. But I guess Im a guy that just is gullible and naive, and desperate for someone to feel close to.

Iono, I just feel like, Im so quick to let myself fall into everyone's little games. Like today I was skating with some friends. I didnt really want to skate, but I wanted to chill with my friends. It was two guys and one girl. The guys all had long boards, but the girl was on a bike. A racing bike. And Im just going along with it. But after awhile I notice how much they hover over her. She likes the attention. They keep saying stupid shit. I just hang back and follow the oligarchy. She makes the decisions, she gets the attention and the guys are so quick to follow and do whatever she says. There might be more to this as if they are really good friends, or are competing, for her love. Iono. Maybe close friends. Just her with the bike riding faster and forcing us on longboards to follow relentlessly behind her just made me thing about if this senario is what all of my failures been about. Just blinding skating and pushing myself over a false love or a dream in which the girl plays me out to the palm of her hand leisurely riding her bike, going faster than me all the time, making myself work to death for her whims.

I felt like this to the girls above. Whether to pick them up, or to drive them around, or to walk with them, or to hang out. Im always in the back scenes being ignored by them. Just being used. And its just that I was so blind to it until the end happens. As if Im thrown away once Im done. Or until they find someone better. And iono, I just feel like I was a fool. Being used and tossed away like that. I hate that feeling. I am my own person.

However Im quiet, I do wierd things, I say bad jokes, I lie, I dont keep my promises, and I am not that smart nor have talents. The lists goes on and on. But hey, thats me.

Iono if they picked up on that, or just used me because Im always here to listen to them. Im just something they talk to. Like a voicemail they just speak to and I dont really answer back.

Ive been really sensitive on the way in which others say that I cant hold a conversation or that I am just awkward to be around. Iono what to do. To them. I just say fine. And dont talk. Let them take the initiative next time to say something instead of waiting for me to mess up and be all critical about me.

Iono, but today really opened my eyes to my friends and the people around me.

anyways, thats what Im thinking right now.

Im just thinking, silently. Observing silently, trying to make conversation, but no one listens or cares. But here I am. I have my goals set high before me. They are on mount olympus looking down on me to get it. I feel that once I get it I am amongst gods.

I see all these people now as either dead or wounded. They wont last too long in the world and Im just silently laughing or amused in the rude awakening they will get. And to see they high chair come crashing down.

I hope if I meet them again, I can be the one they look up to and I can help them up to humble themselves. and then they can see why I was the way I was now.

oh well, that sounds hella creepy and wierd. Im a senior in college, and Im just doing lonely ass stupid shit lol. oh wells.

goodnite to anyone, prob just me reading it.

on a mental note, it was mothers day last weekend and her bday yesterday. I need to make a card and get a $5o macys gift card for her. *remember*