Accomplishment. Progress. Escape

Today I landed on a curb with an ollie for the first time.
After months of failure and cowardice, I find myself relishing in the feeling of doing something that I dreamed of and believed I couldnt do.
I dream about doing this for awhile and whenever it came to it, I just felt scared and saw images of myself on the ground with a pool of blood around my head.
Iono what possessed me today. Was it stubbornness to get this done? Was it that I forced myself to do it? I honestly dont know.
I seriously could describe what was in my head at that time other than try to keep your back foot in place.
I didnt know what was going to happen. I just concentrated, held my breath and went.
It was as if I focused nothing other than doing it.
Now I just do something and my board follows. I cant even feel the motion of it. I just does it.
Iono. I just feel happy and accomplished now.

I feel sort of sadden now. This is why I started skating. I needed to keep myself occupied and not think about the ones that hurt me. In fact, I still think of them. I know they all moved on and forgot about me. I tried to be ever so nice and true with them, only to have my heart broken.
I wish there was someone I could talk to, to honestly tell my feelings. Im so happy and so proud, but honestly, I feel like I can tell no one. Because no one cares. I really want a person that I could share my passions to, to study with, to hang out with. It doesnt mean living with them as I see others do, but I just feel that like, Im lacking something.

This emptiness of not telling someone who would really care about this is what hurts me and reminds me of all the people who stepped or used me.
I dont think they would like to read that they stepped on me, but thats how I feel.
To flirt with me and to be in the moment. Iono how to describe it.
I dont know if I should think of it as another way or not.
I felt like I was/am an escape for girls.
Escape from thinking about their boyfriends or special someone's that theyve been thinking and seeing.
Make me believe that I could have a chance with them, even though I cant.
Make me have hopes and dreams that someone actually felt the same way as I do with them.
I want to know the person yes, but if things happen so fast, what can I do. Say, whoa stop kissing me, let me talk to you first and get to know you. No? well, I shouldve been the better man, but then iono I would still like to get to know you, but I feel that I had to chance from the start. Someone was still in your heart while you were texting me and I couldnt have seen anything.

And thats what I feel that has been happening. Whoever I talk to, they have all been talking to someone close or their exes. Do I even have a chance with them with true love? or is it that im a buffer and im a cushion. Or am I a brief escape and dream. Innocent and naive to their true intentions and follow them based on a simple believe that they liked me. I do not know which is true or not. Im still learning and I try to be optimistic

But when these moments do come, I am constantly reminded of them. And I wish I have someone close to share with. Instead of typing it in a blog.

This is why skateboarding is an escape for me.