nollie factor

btw, ive been working on nollies now

more practice needed

Remember the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, to be the day in which WWI ended. And to pay tribute to all the veterans in past, present, a

To the men who fought in world war 1, the heart aches, the pains, the cruelty, the loss of limbs, lives, and innocence.

Where men still fought with their bare hands and scourged for food.

The last vestige of chivalry among the old world. Where ancient and old strategy was obsolete with modern warefare.

Where lossing 100, 000 men was common. Where losing millions were fathomable

where everything was old fashioned

this is their day to remember.

And to thank and appreciate all who lost their lives.

Now, that you think of it, they wouldnt be too much older than I going off to war and die.

Man, today was a good day lol.

On top of doing nose manuals and kickflips and coping grinds by the belltower, I had a great 2 nites.

I had a good time meeting new people. New friends. Drinking with my homies and dancing with the girls.

Then saturday I went to my big sis's place and spent halloween there. Dressed up. I would work the door bell giving away candy. I was like "What do you want and what are you supposed to me" in a voice like batman lol.

but that was fun. cute seeing all those kids :] i gave them the best candies and playdough. so i thought i was one of the awesome houses that gives out cool stuff lol

then i was taking 8 shots with my brother in law, he made me white russians and was heavy with the kahlua and vodka haha. and then i had ship wrecks and on top of that, 7 beers.
oh man.

we had old school 80s music on since everyone was like 28 lol. we had a fire pit in the back and beer pong table.

Now I know some physic grad teachers working at RCC and some airtower controlers

so that was fun.

i woke up this morning with playdough in my pockets, a shot glass next to me, string, a tattoo (washable) on my arm, fone, keys, wallet, in place, and woke up to a dog licking my face.

Emotion status. I try so hard, but get so far, and in the end, it doesnt even matter.

Some of what is happening I can only blame myself for it. Lets make this clear.

So this quarter started very unusual for me. First off, I have made some intimate relations with certain people that I actually had no initial intention on starting.
Both of which would have gone no where and would have strictly been physical, unemotional, and secret.

I do not want to feel confinded and used.

So I separated myself from that. And that was that.

Then I have been very laxed on my readings and hw and classes. I have such an interest in what I am taking, but all of the novels that I professors whore out to us is very impossible to read. Not to mention one of my professors wants us to religiously read HIS own book that he translated.

And I just had my chinese test, and I think I got the worst in the class. I hate myself now. I was totally blindsided and I had been studying that for 2 days working very hard only to let myself fall the lowest in the class. I try so hard and get so far, but in the end it doesnt even matter.

Second. I met this amazing girl. We were introduced by a mutual friend. But the more we hung out the more time we spent together the closer we get. However the closer I get to her, the more she thinks of me as her brother and she is bi curious now. She has to be the only mature girl in every sense of the word here. And thats what facinates me and draws me to her. However, she is a 2nd year and Im 4th, she still has her tendencies that we have all went through. She has met a guy at a party, he took her home and starting making out and now they are seeing each other. Im just kinda jealous of how he can get someone as good as her so easily and I do all I can to do things for her and I get shit. But most of all, I dont know if he truely know her to actually fathom how lucky he is with someone like her. Ive been saving myself up for someone like her. I take her out everywhere, get lost of random drives, take her to dinners, and even went gay clubbing with her. But that is later on, and I also help her clean, cook, and make her sandwiches that she loves. Anyways, I want to have an aulturistic ideal of sacrificing my own desires and goals for her. The more I hang out with her, the more supportive I am with her and everything she does. I lose my sense of self in concerning myself with her. Iono, I blame myself for it.
On her part, she talks to me about everything, I listen. She cooks for me sometimes, and I help her with that and all, but most of the time we just hang out and talk. She is the first girl to be so open to me and caring and considerate and that among her personality and how open she is draws me to her.

But yeah, I still need to do my laundry and get back to somewhat of my old life. I need to clean up my place and stop spending money foolishly. It will stop this week. Period. I severe the lines.

So now, we went to a gay club today. Its girls nite. So Im like, ok thats cool, Ill be surrounded by pussy and shit. Have a good time. When I get there, hella gay guys are walking around, Im like, ok, its normal, this is a gay club. I sit down and be there with them. I knew they were having fun but I just dont belong. The entire nite, I felt like I dont belong. I dont even belong in straight clubs. So then my friend and her friend met up with other friends. So we had a big group. But they were total bitches that I wanted to separate myself from. I was kinda like the 3rd wheel loner. We soon went to the dance floor, mind you I never had anything hard to drink to losen me up of numb my state of mind. So we were dancing and no one danced with me. Me being straight, Im not looking for any gay action. I want some cute girls. But anyways I saw one of my friends and that was nice and I look over and the girl that I have been madly in love with on a emotional and intellectual scale is hardcore kissing her friend. So, Im taken back surprised, but I have to be supportive of her. I would be a dick if I were to walk out and shit. Im better than that, so I rally and support her. Even though inside Im screaming and visualize my insides falling out. My heart has been ripped out so many times, and this one was like no other. Even though she still seeing this guy that she met at the party and now this, I couldnt bear it. But I did. I endured. I felt anguish and pain. I felt yelling silence. I had absolutely no fun at the gay club. Honestly, next time I go I will have to be hammered. But in the end, I was still supportive of her, even though I feel like Im going through the motions and mentally Im not here.

So with this little quick update, this is whats been going on in my life and how I feel.

I feel like a veteran returning from battle and having a hard time readjusting to society.

No one I know understands the cruel reality that lies in front of us, I try to open up to people, but in turn get mowed down and chewed out.

Today I really felt my heart abused, I was totally ignored from the girl who asked me to come with her for support, and left for dead out in the streets by sorta feeling like a homeless with no home or person to walk back to and confide and be at peace with.

I just feel a terrible pain in my heart now and Im fighting back tears. My throat is choked up and I feel very sad and emotional right now.

But I got to bottle it up and endure. With this new found pain I feel that I am separating myself further from society and confirming that I will forever be a bachelor no matter what I do or how much I offer myself to people. I will always be that stupid fucking nice guy that will always be taken advantaged and used.

Things in my head that I cant take away.

One of the first things I remember is just how fucked up politics is. If you dont kiss ass or bribe anyone or are the son or daughter of someone in where ever you work, things are going to be difficult.
If you are a hard worker, be prepared to be over worked, used, and taken advantage of. no matter your intelligence or hard work and determination, you are there soley to make your supervisor look good to his superiors.

safety and concern is not the top priority, just as long as the job gets done and you get paid.

I remember climbing up 40 ft up on the top shelves to get more flags for these national guard troops. Iono. National guard career people dont appeal to me as much as veterans who serve out on national guard. I respect them more. But I just would count how many flags were in each box and though to myself of how many people died. I laid each box like i was laying a flag on each soldiers grave. It hurt me to know that I was getting preparations to bury someone. Just the thought of knowing that someone is dead, even if I dont know them, it hurts me personally.

The other thing that hurts me is how there is a sense of superiority over different people. Of how, like, just because you are not working in an office or have a business card, you are not important.

I remember the sheer number of amputees. How many old people looks like empty shells. Old vets of baseless and corrupt wars sitting limp in their wheelchairs.

To be working with veterans of vietnam and seeing them to be treated like shit. I worked with someone from infantry and huey calvary division in vietnam, a vietnam airbourne paratrooper, a vietnam sniper, two navy vets, and a veteran from the Iraqi war.
We are all in the PLATOON of642. We are the forgotten living, always getting the shit end of the stick by everyone and we still keep humping and getting it done. Theyve taught me so much and made me mature that I cant that them enough for opening themselves up to me in such a small amount of time.

By knowing all of them, Milton Brown, Leroy Crabtree, Sam (no green eggs and ham) Kelly, Al (Good AL) Tingle, Ryan underwood, and Ryan huston. Then there are the management faggots, Al Limon, uses me to talk to his nephew of how i got this job, Craig Coy, fucking slacker in the mail room. Boost up his job like its so important and yet I learned how to do it and made it more efficient in 2 weeks time. And fucking Gil Aquino. Forces me to do dangerous shit, dangerous safety hazards, making me to do other shit on my last day of work and talk as if im his property, and will one day teach me to drive a forklift. fuck that shit. I have higher aspirations in life. Dont want to be a 40 year old chain smoker commuting 50 miles everyday to be a supervisor of a small warehouse and is the bitch to everyone in the hospital.

I remember running around in the fucking hot heat to cover a fucking slackers job. A new guy, thrown in the middle of complete shit and expected to survive.

I remember yelling at other PR people. Especially those who were responsible for my well being.

I remember black labeling myself when I called out HR on my basic rights that were not given to me because they were fucking lazy.

I remember the fucking VA system is ran by trashy ass slutty women who probably sucked dick and slept with horny old men to get into the positions they are in now.

I remember new medical student doctors looking like lost children or puppies in the hospital. Their little community office was like an extended classroom where they dont even do anything.

Their rounds is a chance for them to play doctor but have no emotional connection with the patients.

There was a code blue, meaning someone is dying in one of the wings. I was making my rounds in the hospital and i was at the entrance where these doctors would be coming out. Anyways, they all came running out like 5 minutes later. Then they were coming together talking about what they were up to, then someone came running, everyone started to run. It looked like they were scared sheep and when they see one running, they all run even though they all may not know why. As they were running I would hear, "oh shit I forgot ____.....oh well, I dont need it" or its ok. or something of that nature. I couldnt believe it. Are these the new doctors that we rely on so far? Are these these demi gods walking on earth that we all revere. Just watching them running around in circles just made me feel so angry and mad and fustrated at them. I felt the same before and overwhelmed, but when there are peoples lives in question, there is no room for them to fuck up. If this was a war where quick life or death situations matter, they would all die. I feel like they are book smart but when it came to the action of things, they will all mess up. I wanted to just go to them and shake them to wake them up and remind them of the severity of the entire situation is. That is why I somewhat have animosity between civilians and military doctors.

Have you lost that loving feeling? Not me! I found it!

I think now I want to pursue a surgical nursing path in my career. Mr. Milton opened the door for me in allowing me to think about it. Then I was talking to a few people at work and viola I am scheduled to be observing an orthopedic surgeon on thursday. Im supper psyched about it and cant wait. I feel this is my way to give back and learn. I just love this new feeling and excitement of finally being able to know your own sense of self. Things are finally clicking. the birds with feathers flock together, but the eagle soars alone. I am that eagle. I can and will do it! Ahhh! cant wait! So I spent the nite watching some real life surgeries by medical schools. Its like watching an episode that you should look away but cant! Ahh I love this feeling!

btw, patrick swayse died today after losing a battle with pancreatic cancer of 20 years. and that yale student got stuffed in the lab wall. she was from placerville.

and leroy and them wanted me to watch, an officer and a gentlemen...sometime maybe lol.

My new cruiser deck in memory of Tom

zig zagger 8.6 x 32
Indy 149 trucks
58mm krooked wheels

bone swiss bearings